Nightly sentiments

Can’t sleep, probably because I took a nap this afternoon. As soon as I came back, I hit the sack hard. I haven’t done anything strenuous though.

For some reason, my days have been listless. I feel confuse and lost. It’s like I’m going to a destination with no map, and I just turn into nameless streets with no second thoughts. I’ve been going on and on, walking forward without even acknowledging where I’m going. I just don’t know. I don’t know what to think, what to do. But isn’t this what life is about? We’re all headed in a destination without any forewarnings and guidance. We make our own paths. I was browsing through my journal earlier and I saw a piece of paper tucked into it. What was written showed another side of me. I’m not schizophrenic! It was just slightly dark, deep and broody. I think I’ve come to the point where the question of what I want to do with my life is taken seriously. With all the changes jumping in every corner, it’s no wonder. Sometimes, we wish that life is not as complicated as it is. Hoping that there is only one exact and unchanging answer to the questions faced.

I said I wish I didn’t care, but that’s denying what I truly feel. My dad approached me last night and told me that he was being called back to Uzbekistan, and he was asking if it was alright if my mom came with him. Of course it was okay with me. No, it’s not because they would both be out and I’ll be free, but I agreed because my dad needed to be taken care of since he barely has time for himself when he’s there. So, they’ll leave sometime this month. What do I feel? Relief I guess. Sadness of course. (Phew! For a moment, my keyboard went crazy on me. The caps lock wouldn’t work and for a while everything was capitalized. Looked liked I was shouting.) Anyway, as I was saying, relief, sadness and also a tinge of fear. Fear of being alone, again, I guess.

I wonder what led to this contemplative state. I’ve thought about things before, but not this much. I feel my head’s gonna burst from all the thinking I’ve done for the night. Well, I had an intermission from a singing fish ^_^ which I’m grateful for. Very.

Our family friend is dying. My parents visited him yesterday at the hospital, and he was already saying his goodbyes. I regret, very much so, on not being there. He’s our family priest and very close to the family. What is sad is that we can’t contact his favorite “daughters,” my two older cousins, since they work in the US military and we don’t know where to reach them. Another family friend has only 3 months to live. I can’t imagine how they are feeling. To know that you have a hold on your life for this limited time and know that you’ll never see these people you love dearly. Then last week, our neighbor died. Why am I surrounded by death? This is not a sign surely. I value signs because they do mean something, but I hope this is not one of them.

I haven’t asked permission for this Saturday! Hehe! But I already made plans to go with someone. But I’m sure they’ll let me go. ‘Sides, it’s Kate’s. I’m excited to see everyone ^_^

Italian class was fun yesterday, surprisingly. I had fun making mistakes, seriously. Oh well, I don’t know what to make of it. Sometimes, I’m so enthusiastic to learn, sometimes I’m too tired. Why are my emotions such a rollercoaster?

Sleep claim me now! My plea is unheeded. I don’t want to be sporting dark circles under my eyes later. My room is such a mess. What happened to “I will put things back where I got them?” I guess my OC-ness comes and goes.

I feel that I’ll snap soon and do something crazy. No, ear piercing is not included. I don’t know, something. And that’s what scares me. I think I need to get out more often. Or maybe, I’m going out too often and need to focus on what’s important: academics. I’m even neglecting my org. I haven’t gone to prayer meetings and babad. Why? Change of mind at the last minute. Why can’t I put a lock on my decision in order not to change it? It’s so flexible, and I allow it to be.

I’m listening to senti music right now…Wonder why. It just feels right I guess. It’s night. It rained. Everyone’s sleeping. With the soothing music, it feels really right. I heard a song from Matthew West. Nice songs.

Have you had dreams where in you see a face of a person in great detail and yet you haven’t seen him/her before. Or think you hadn’t. Maybe it’s someone you glanced at and their faces were just imprinted in your mind. I have no idea. I’ve had two dreams with two different people whose faces were so clear and defined, yet I have no idea who they are. Freaky right?

Something really is bothering me and I can’t put my finger on it. Argh! Not knowing makes it worse!! -_-

Of cats and static characters

I’m in Merville right now, using my wonderful and hopefully, improved laptop. The reason why my screen was fluctuating was because the batteries needed to be changed. One problem though, Fujitsu batteries are hard to find in the Philippines!

Not sure what to write. It’s as if I have a lot of ideas in my head right now, but I can’t seem to write them down. I’m supposed to be studying right now, for my Italian class tomorrow. A sort of review as not to embarrass myself in front of the professor, but I am so not in the mood. I actually dread Saturdays now. Pretty weird, for the weekend should be something to look forward to, but not me. I used to think that I could allot time to practice my Italian, but I can’t seem to do it. I obviously don’t make the time, and obviously, I’m not that interested to learn. Maybe it’s because I’m in denial that I will move sometime in the future. I don’t. We all have choices, and I do have a choice in this matter, but I fear that faced with my dad, whose opinion I really respect, I would break. I don’t really want to think about it. It’s not as if it will happen soon. Hopefully, it will not happen for a long long time.

I saw D’ Anothers yesterday with a few blockmates and my best friends. It was so utterly CORNY to the point that one laughs at its corniness. And what’s with the choice of music?! Makes me wanna hurl. I seldom watch Filipino movies. When I was studying in AC before, it was an absolute no-no and even before that. It’s true though that our movie industry has improved and that is why I’m watching them now, but there are still some that are static in its nature and can’t seem to find new ways to entertain the audience. The trailer actually was better than the movie itself. That’s why we wanted to see it. I think Stealth would have been a better choice though. Oh well. What’s done is done. Can’t wait to see The Wedding Crashers on Monday!

Today was a s l o w day. Attended all my classes. Theology was its usual boring and cold self. Then, we had a quiz in Psychology. I was caught unaware because I thought that it would be another essay. It was an objective quiz which could be perfected if one really studied. I am annoyed and disgusted with myself. I’m letting my academics suffer. For what? For nothing. Then we had Pinoy which was quite alright. The group presentation was very good, but the discussion that came after was such a bore. I couldn’t wait to get out. During my break, I went to Seattle’s with my bests and just hanged out: drank coffee, read and chatted. Wasn’t much of a conversation really since they were either studying for their exam or brooding, and I was “reading” for my Fil class. Useless since I couldn’t really understand what I was reading plus I was really sleepy. At least the company was great. After class, I went straight home, as in here. I tried to sleep but it was beyond my grasp. Oh well.

I was listening to one of the songs from Puccini’s Turandot, Nessun Dorma, and once again, my dream of watching an opera arose. *sigh*

My mom made tiramisu earlier. It was just liked before when I was a child. She baking, me cleaning up. Cleaning up means licking the bowl clean. Haha! At least this time, it’s not egg, and I will not be threatened with salmonella. ^_^

I wish that it’s Saturday, 1:00, meaning my class is done. Grr!

When I climb the stairs every morning, there would always be cats roaming around. Cats of different colors and of different sizes. There was this particularly cute tiger cat that was seated in one of the steps, and I couldn’t help but pet it. You might say that it’s dirty, full of fleas, but strangely, it was clean. What was strange was it followed me all the way up. Very cute ^_^

I can’t believe how used I am to staying at the apartment. I’ve grown used to walking into these small roads wherein before I would really hesitate to go into. The sight of children playing in the streets with their resourceful ways of turning their slippers into something animated has become a normal sight. So is the old man who is always seated at his white monoblock chair outside his house sometimes reading a newspaper, sometimes just staring into space. Of all the numerous times I’ve passed by him and tried to catch his eye, he never once did acknowledge me. Not even a trace of a smile. I’m not expecting him to be that familiar, but isn’t he fed up with me passing him without even a sign of acknowledgement? Really strange. He should realize that the world is changing. He’s like one of those static characters in literature.

Have to sleep as much as I want to stay up all night/morning. Ciao!

Of nosebleeds and sugar

“…Something strange is happening to me. I don’t know what it is but it’s feeling so good to me…”

Something strange did happen to me. I’m not sure what it is but it sure doesn’t feel good. My nose was bleeding the whole day! Disgusting! It started when I was taking a bath. I thought it was ordinary water running down my face. To my horror and it really was a horror, it was blood! *insert psycho music* Of course I panicked. I had a nosebleed for crying out loud and I didn’t know what caused it. I hate blood. I loathe blood. Sure it’s what keeps us up and going, but it revolts me. I thought it was done, but when I got to my SA class, I could feel it flowing so, this part will be really disgusting, I tried to swallow it and tilted my head. I know it is bad, but I didn’t want my blood going all over the place. I hated the taste and made me want to puke so I went out of the class. I opted to go to the infirmary, but my “cowardness” came over me again. I felt slightly better but I could still taste the blood. Eew. Anyway, it was on and off. Tell the truth, I was scared. I thought it was because I was blowing my nose too hard since that happened before, but it was out of control. But once again, my I-can-do-it-myself attitude dominated, hence, no visiting any professionals. Stubborn right? Well, now I’m feeling better. Haven’t seen blood since this afternoon, but I’m a bit pale. I thought I was gonna die. Haha! So dramatic, but seriously, I didn’t want to hemorrhage or something. *faints at the thought*

I tried to curl my hair early this morning. I thought I would wake up at the usual hour, but strangely, I didn’t and instead of 5:45, I woke up at 6:23. Yeah, I still remember it. After the daily ablutions, I worked at my hair. At first, it was going the way I wanted it to, but after I was done with less of a half of my hair, I gave up. It was tiring, plus I had to keep the curls separate from the straight ones. In the end, my hair was the same, though in disarray because I brushed the curls off. Oh well, there’s another time to make it perfect.

Hate the rain. Love the rain. Hate it when I’m under it, love it when I’m not assaulted by its drops. It was a lovely weather this morning. The sun was up and the sky was clear of brooding clouds. PE was useless. The group assigned to report wasn’t ready, and so we were dismissed early. If I knew that, I could have worked on my hair a bit longer. I went to the library to read the handout for SA, but not the book. Our prof in SA seemed annoyed that no one was participating in her lecture. It’s quite boring really. All her talking and I wasn’t really paying attention because of my wonderful nose. Ate at Chicken Bacolod after. Yum! Though it didn’t satisfy me. I wanted to order another piece of chicken, but we didn’t have enough time, plus, I was shy, hehe ^_^ I guess being sick doesn’t make me lose my appetite but increase it. I mean, I’ve been living on soup for the past three days. I needed solid food! Got our results from Eco LT. I passed and it was a satisfactory grade, not that I expected to be one of the A students since I didn’t study. The sky then decided that it was keeping its depressed mood to itself so it chose to share it with us. I felt that emotion again. Hay naku. It’s becoming frequent. The question is, why? Anyway, after staying with Sta who was waiting to be picked up by her rents, I went to the library; then went home. I slept for a while and woke up when I received a text from Sta that she was back and was waiting at the library. I knew she didn’t have any load and had no way to communicate with the outside world so I went back. We discussed her homework for fil where I would help and went to Seattle’s to chill out. Talk talk talk just about anything. I mean, with a girl who consumed 12 packs of sugar for her coffee, it's hard not to chat. ^_^

There was a time when this “missionary” approached us. Our purses and phones were on the table and Sta placed her purse on top of her phone. I guess he noticed because he said, Please ma’m don’t be scared. He went on saying that he was a missionary and that he was doing a fund raiser project. I asked what kind of mission and he didn’t answer but said that it was for seminars and such in this place and that. Out of pity, I wanted to htelp but didn’t do so. I felt slightly guilty, but he was good-natured about it. I remembered another time when a girl, this time a music student was selling dried mangoes. We were eating and she handed us one of those cards. Same old banana. We refused her and the look on her face especially her eyes stayed with us the whole time! Guilt was eating our conscience. The next time we saw her, we bought two packs of dried mangoes. Okay, she may or may not be in a syndicate, but it can’t be ignored that these people have lowered their dignity and pride to do this “work” or begging or whatever.

Anyway, I stayed with her before the play where we saw a number of AC peeps. Alright, I’ll go to Kate’s party! Sheesh. What an instruction. Heh. :p Oh well, bahala na! Let loose and have fun!

I’m glad that sometimes I think too much or else I’ll be spouting off words that mean something different for others. Phew. Saved by my capricious mind. I thought it was a curse to be always changing my mind at the last second, but this time it proved to be a blessing.

GMA’s SONA proved to be a disappointment. It’s short and though it had the most number of applause given, it was “empty.” It’s disgusting to see “plastic” people applauding vigorously in every pause she takes. She did lay out her accomplishments on education, anti-terrorism, etc and she showed her approval for chacha and a parliamentary government. She touched on the subjects of the political system and how it is a hindrance for economic progress. She really is an economist. I’m pretty sure that people were interested to hear what she had to say about the current events, and were disappointed, as was I. In one aspect, maybe it was right that she didn’t because it’s not exactly something to be proud about, but in another, it is important too because it not only affects her, but the whole pol system and the whole country. I wonder what the anti-GMA rallies were for. Were they of any use? I hate politics. But it cannot be escaped from.

It’s proud to hear your dad say that he has great hopes for you, and at the same time it adds to the pressure and expectations, and being an only kid, it’s so much more than that. I was actually thinking of stopping school for a while, but I know that it’s only an impulsive thought. Not serious. Duh. I ain’t stupid as to follow it. It’s just that recently, I have no drive to study. No motivation, no inspiration. No one to push me. I don’t know. What do I lack? What do I need to be motivated? *shrugs*

This is frustrating! Grrr! I hate this fucking computer!

Bored

Just checked outofblue site. Talagang noone writes na talaga. I mean, there are still a few people who did but unlike before, this one is already infested with maggots. That’s why I’m making a brand new group blog! Or maybe, a gigantic tagboard! Haven’t really heard from everyone. Not from Angel who’s in Lousiana and from the Aussie twins (hehe!). You guys wanna help?? (nagpaparinig ^_~)

Cool! My dad likes MyMp and Nina. Normally, he clucks his tongue at my music, but today, he gave me his approval. He was actually listening to MyMp’s Tell Me Where It Hurts and Nina’s Constantly.

Wow! Someone reviewed my hibernating story in FF.net! Cool! It made me very very happy! I am still loved!

I’m not sure if I’m supposed to be freaked out but I entered the library earlier and I heard scratching sounds on the floor. My dog does that under the desk or the bed and it really scrapes the floor so I called her. I was expecting her to dash to me since that is what she normally does, but she didn’t. I called again and it was so quiet. Of course after watching Amityville Horror, my imagination was doubly excited so I just exited the room quickly. Phew! I know it’s only on the mind. Last night I didn’t seem to mind. I came down from my room numerous times and that was in the middle of the night; wasn’t scared for a minute. Guess it’s because I was sick and my mind was just tired and numb to work.

I’m home right now and I’m typing in my newly-fixed laptop. They changed the hard drive and was upgraded from 20 gig to 40 gig, and they installed two new programs about music and image editing. But, again, there’s always a catch. My screen’s fluctuating. It has this dull color right now, then in a while, it will switch back to it’s normal screen. How am I supposed to create layouts and tweak images if the colors aren’t right? *sigh* I knew it was too good to be true.

Hmm…nothing much happened today. I went home at about 9am with my mind very groggy and aching. I was denying I had fever. Don’t know why though. Anyway, I got home; ate some late breakfast of cinnamon bread which didn’t taste anything and drank medicine :( I slept through lunch coz I couldn’t get off the bed. At last, when I woke up, I was feeling better. No more fever though my mom said I still had one inside. My dinner was composed of only soup! Wah! I’ll lose weight again! For some, that’s a good thing but I’ve been constantly told that I’m skinny, slim, thin and I should gain weight. I do. I try. I eat. I purge. But nothing happens. Ain’t my fault that my body’s this way. Anyway, now I’m hungry, but I can’t eat anything but soup since it’s easier to digest. And the temptation! The cabinets and fridge are full of chocolates! I’m craving for them, but I can’t. Even one?? NO!

I hate being sick. I’m disgusting when I’m sick. I leave used tissues everywhere and I mean everywhere. I demand a lot. I expect people to treat me royally and I usually get that treatment. I want people to do what I say. I don’t clean up my own mess. I hate noise. I don’t like it when they disregard what I say. I am very cranky and sarcastic. More than the usual, hehe ^_^

I wanna go out of the country. To Latin America! Wouldn’t it be cool? Or to Egypt. Even if it’s smoldering hot.

Sick :(

Hate being sick! Now I have fever + colds + sore throat + headache. Dammit. But it’s all really my fault. I ate cotton candy which was sweet (duh!), drank cold water afterwards, then took a cold bath when I returned from Gateway. Nice way of taking care of myself, right? I think I may have willed myself to become sick. A psychosomatic effect.

I’m so lazy to study lately. As in really lazy. I’ve been going out during the free times I have, either to eat or to watch a movie; I haven’t been reading the handouts or books that were supposed to be discussed on that day. I cut a class just because I didn’t want to walk under the rain. What a studious student! And I’ve consumed all my allowance for the week which is P2000 and more! I usually only spend 500! I haven’t even shopped, not a single thing. What kind of economist would I be if I can’t even budget my money!?!

I’m not going to Italian class tomorrow! There will be a class but I won’t be able to go coz I’m sick. I don’t think I’ll be able to concentrate. Added to that, the rooms are freezing. Twice my prof saw that I was shivering; the two times that I forgot to bring my jacket, and if I continue my class tomorrow, I’ll be really cranky; that’s a disposition I don’t want to be in when learning. It’s funny. All my gradeschool life, I wasn’t absent except for one day. First and second year high school, my attendance was impeccable. Then third year came when I got “acquired asthma” so there were times that I had to be absent; this was also the case in fourth year. I can’t believe how I was able to go to school even when I was sick in the early years. I wouldn’t even say I was sick. I viewed sickness as weakness in the total self.

Sleeping early tonight. Drink lots of liquid. Drink tea. Have to. Mother’s/long-distance doctor’s orders. She recommended Brisk tea…umm…wasn’t that for increasing alertness because of the caffeine? *shrugs*

What? Free college education for virgins? Haha! Just heard it from the radio. But how will they know? ^_~ Aaah…gynecological examination. It’s in Uganda, Africa. It’s only for women though, because of the high rate of AIDS.

I’m really serious about getting my ears pierced. Two on one side and just one on the other. I’ll get the second one another time. Hopefully I don’t get chicken about it.

Ack! Stalker! I mean, once was enough and at least he had the intelligence to stop, but a second one?? I’m serious; it’s getting really freaky. This is what happens when you’re too kind. Doesn’t he get it? We were already walking fast and he kept the pace right behind us. Then during the AEA GA…*shudders* Putcha! That is the most lame pick up line or whatever you call it that I have ever heard!!! Pasalamat siya I’m sick. WTF??? Eeewwwyuck!

Watched a movie in my apartment today, Amityville Horror. Hehe. Freaky. Unforgettable images. But for me, nothing beats The Ring. I mean, that’s the movie that made me fall down the stairs. Haha! It’s very funny just thinking about it. Anyway, I must have squeezed Debby too much that she didn’t have any breathe left for screaming; my human pillow! ^_^

*sigh* Can’t go online for a long time. My phone bill increased since I used the internet of Globe. Plus this contraption you call a computer that supposedly had a more advanced modem that connects to the internet prevents me internet freedom!

YEHEY!!! My lovely computer is fixed! I’ll be getting my dear dear computer tomorrow!! Whee!!

Aaw…wonder if I’ll go to Kate’s pahty next next Saturday. I mean it won’t be fun without Ishta, but her dad’s gonna celebrate his birthday too. Talk about making a hard choice. But I have a feeling that the latter would be more dominant. I mean, dad yan eh. I’ll choose my dad too. But it’s your choice dearie. We can have our own party some other time. It won’t be the same though since the crowd is relatively different. You’ll miss sina Mon (my “wild” dance partner), Cheka (wahaha! My crazy twin!), Marielle (drinking partner o_o) and the rest. Man, that means I can’t get you drunk. That was the whole idea ^_~ and see you dance and stuff ^_^ Haha! Rica might not be able to go too since she has to go to Baguio. Tsk tsk. Oh well. I have a two weeks to think about it.

I feel so bloated. I’ve been drinking hot water every chance I get. My gums are itching. Weird. Hmmm…am I growing fangs? Maybe those “mosquito” bites are actually from a vampire! Haha! Wouldn’t that be cool? Nah. I don’t really like the taste of blood anyway.

My parents don’t like me to drive on the high way. My mom said I was reckless and she refuses to ride when I’m the one driving. Duh, of course my dad goes along with this decision and stops me from driving when we reach the highway. So technically, I’ve been driving the car out of the village and when we reach the corner that leads to the high way, change drivers. Same as going back. Humph! Then my dad goes on and on about how it’s only practice that I can get the hang of it. How can I get used to it if they refuse to let me drive on bigger roads??

Buona notte!

On the night of the full moon

…sounds like one of the titles of the books of Victoria Holt. Just saw a play that we needed to watch for Filipino. It’s composed of two plays and the first one was funny. It’s very interesting and all confusing at first. The second one was about two aspiring actors waiting at an audition and they were both fantasizing on being the biggest stars and the scenes and movies they would star in. It’s slightly, slightly boring, but interesting as well. I don’t know what we’re supposed to look for since we weren’t given the guide questions yet. Uh-oh. First paper in Filipino.

Tonight has a wonderful full moon. I kinda miss the days last year when I would come home at night and walk from Katipunan to the apartment. These days, I seldom go home at night. Obviously, because of my schedule. But walking alone, enjoying the solidarity, walking under the trees with sparse light with the feeling of being safe, and numb at the same time, I kinda miss it. What was wonderful sometimes is when I’ll be accompanied by the stars and the cool wind. *sigh* So peaceful.

I feel that this week I have barely gone to school. I guess it’s the effect of the weather. It makes one just want to curl up and sleep and read and be lazy. And today, I felt that it was a Friday. We only had one class wherein we had a long test and it ended at 1030. I was actually supposed to go BABAD (go to our areas and just talk with the manangs, etc) today, but I informed my companion that my class would end at 130 since I thought we had eco. We didn’t and after SA I didn’t feel like going to the BABAD even if I said so. So bad right? At that time, I didn’t care. So I switched off my phone. Off to Gateway we go. Didn’t eat a lot, such a pity coz we had lots of time before the movie started. Then I had this desire to have my ears pierced! Nope, haven’t had it pierced…YET! My dad would freak out if I did so, but I wanted to do something impulsive and so not me for a change. Then we agreed to do something, sometime when we have that thing. Doesn’t make sense, I know. We saw Fantastic Four! It’s so cool! And my throat aches from eating cotton candy, and drinking cold water after! Hehe! I can predict that tomorrow I would have sore throat and colds. I deserve it. I can’t believe how much I spent this week. Oh well, don’t really care. I hate PMS. -_-

I remembered someone from our village who asked me a question about how I wanted to be buried. I remembered it coz I just learned that our neighbor died yesterday. I’m not exactly close to him since he’s not very sociable. But I remember him always seated at a ledge in front of his house when I was a kid. He never really chatted with anyone, not that I’m aware of, but he would say a few words here and there. I just saw him last month and now…shows really how life is short and how death creeps silently to collect our lives. How I want to be buried? I didn’t answer her coz I didn’t have an opportunity to. Well, depends on where I die or on what country I can be buried in. If it’s in Italy, well, I would like to be buried in a cemetery. Their cemeteries are so well taken cared of that it looks like a garden with flowers everywhere. I would like to have a cherry blossom tree planted, the tree that yields pink blossoms; then just a simple stone or marble buried on the ground with my name on it and the other formalities that comes with it. That’s it. Simple and pink ^_~ Hehe. Actually, I haven’t seriously thought about it. It’s a grim thought. How exactly do you deal with a person who has suicidal tendencies?? It’s hard. You don’t know whether what you say would trigger something…It’s scary and yet you can’t just leave it alone.

I’m supposed to be sad. Well I was but for some reason I’m not right now. Effect of sugar. That’s why I love chocolates and my throat hates it. Haven’t heard from my parents these past days, meaning they haven’t informed me when my dad will leave and whether or not my mom would go with him. I guess I don’t care anymore. I wish I didn’t care.

I can’t wait for next Saturday! Yipee!! Well….hopefully I can go. It depends actually ^_^

Thanks dearie ^_^ You know what for ;p

Happy birthday!!

Happy birthday AILA!!! *mwah mwah mwah*

Today was such a bad hair day! My hair seemed shorter than it normally is and I couldn’t tame it. Annoying! Then my PE long test was so stupid. And Eco test was just so boring. Took all the willpower not to fall asleep. Seriously. That’s how boring it was. I have another test on Thursday!! Hay. This time ALL essays!!!

This is so fucked up! I hate my mother’s computer! Hate it hate it hate it!!!!! So freaking frustrating. What’s with the touchpad and the internet connection!?! I swear that this will be the death of me! I can’t even post a decent entry because I can’t connect to the internet!!! Argh!!! Or I do but it gets cut off after 5-10 minutes!!!

I saw Pinoy Blonde today. It’s in the postmodernist style, and it criticizes the movie industry. I recommend this movie to all of you. There were an annoying group of students who were sitting behind us. It was a good thing that they weren’t there for the whole movie or else I would have snapped. They came at the latter part. At first, everything was peaceful, then after a while you hear them commenting on this and that. Then suddenly you hear screaming, and it’s the screech that is heard when one is being tickled or something. Unfortunately, I was sitting in front of them and they kept on kicking my chair and god, they were so freaking noisy. We let it go for a while, then people were starting to look at them but they didn’t get the hint. If they didn’t stop just as I was about to reprimand them, I would have snapped their heads of. Seriously! They absolutely have no consideration for other people! Hello. My temper was at its boiling point. God! And they were older than us. Mga gago talaga. Nakakainis yung mga taong ganun! When the movie ended they quickly went out. Nahiya siguro. Buti naman!

Study!

I have to study for Eco, right now! I can’t find any more excuse to not do so. I’m thinking of cutting SA tomorrow to study, but then I figured that since we would be having a long test on Thursday, there might be added lecture.

Just…6 more hours to go before Aila’s birthday!!! Man, if it weren’t for these long exams, I/we would have gone to UST, but alas, that is not the case.

Curse the forces that rule this world. My dad’s leaving…again, before the end of this month. Surprise surprise! Let’s say I was sad to hear it…but I guess I’m so used to him leaving that I’m getting less affected by it. Is that a bad sign? It’s not that I don’t care, I do, very much so, but even if I do, can I say or even do (too much use of the word “do”) anything that will prevent him from going? The political situation in that country isn’t better than Iraq’s. Come on, a foreigner will be easily picked out. That is what I’m scared of. If I had more power, I would have gone with him; don’t care what happens to me as long as he’s safe. I’m getting dramatic here. But oh well, same old, dad’s leaving. E il fine.

Il mio amico ed io stanno litigo. Noi non parliamo. Questo è ridiculous perchè esso a argumento comportamento. Io non capisco. Ma sono dare fastidio. Io voglio parlare mi dispiace prima. Ma le mie amici parlano non uno parlo mi dispiace. Vediamo che cosa accadrà.

Haha! I’m not sure if what I wrote is correct. Oh well. No one understands it anyway. ^_^

I do have a conscience, thank you very much. ^_~

Ciao!

Wheels of life

At last, I got hold of a decent computer with a working modem! Not that my mother’s computer sucks; it’s just that she forbade me to do unnecessary things to it. Humph!

Aila-baila’s birthday is on Tuesday! Man! I was planning for the whole barkada to cut the whole of Tuesday. I’m being such a bad influence, aren’t I? Alas, that plan wouldn’t push through as we have long exams on that day. Such bad timing. Anyway, how about the weekend? As long we all get together, it doesn’t matter when. As you can see, I am willing to maximize my cuts this semester.

God really listens and answers my prayers. I don’t have Italian class tomorrow. I was really praying today that Berlitz would cancel it, either because of the rally in Makati, il mio alex dell'insegnante sta funzionando (my professor/instructor/teacher Alex is working) or Aizza wouldn’t be able to attend. Reason why our class was cancelled? Alex was sick and has no voice. Of course, it didn’t have to be drastic as that so that our class would be cancelled but I’m glad that it was. Turns out that Aizza wanted to skip it as well since she also has long tests for next weekend. Phew! I didn’t realize that having something to do on Saturdays would be tiring, not to mention that it is a class. I barely have time to practice my Italian on weekdays. At home, my dad talks to me in that language. Sometimes I understand, most of the time, I don’t. But at least it’s progressing.

Well, the wheels of my life are starting to turn once again from their rest. My dad called me over to his office for some little chit-chat. He asked whether I had a sem break and I said it was for one whole month. Wrong move! Seems that he’s planning to “stop-over” Italy and see if I’m ready to take exams and submit requirements…NO!!! He asked me whether or not I was ready and confident for the future. Truthfully I’m not, and so I said so. I really am not. I’m beginning to doubt if Economics was really the course for me. I’m more of an engineering person or computer-related courses. Maybe it’s time I shifted. I mean, if ever I study abroad and pass the entrance exam for Bucconi, that would be the greatest and my parents would believe my capabilities. But, if I don’t enjoy it, then everything would be wasted.

I’m becoming such a pig nowadays! What’s up with all this big appetite??? Not to mention the chocolate cravings I have. I’m not pregnant, aren’t I? Oh my god! Who's the dad?! ;p Haha! Fat chance!

I’ve seen If Only four times! FOUR times! What in the world?! The first time, hehe, I fell asleep around the middle part, so I had to watch it for the second time. The third time was with some girls of the block and the last was with Krista’s block. The outlook of the movie changes with the company. Of course, watching it alone reduced me to a crying state. Watching it in the movie house had the same effect, except that going out of the movie house with bloodshot eyes prevented me from doing the same. The last time was funny. The reaction was something that came from a horror movie! Very funny, really! ^_^ All the screaming, the anticipation, the criticisms. You have to admit, the guy really looked funny when he cried. I love this movie. It’s different from all those mushy movies. Whoever watches this movie and appreciates it has great taste ;p

Oh yeah, they found out that the hardware installed in my computer the last time it had a problem had numerous bad sectors in it…AGAIN! Ack! Seems as if this is proof that I don’t take care of my laptop. I so want to buy a new one. That’s why I’m saving money: both for a new phone and a new laptop.

Two of our family friends are dying. One has lung cancer and the other has a severe case of diabetes. Sometimes, we can’t grasp that life really is short. We are given this certain time to enjoy life. Imagine what it feels like to be told that you only have three months to live. I think to die unaware would be better than knowing the limitation you have.

I’m feeling really sleepy right now but it’s only 12. Nowadays, that is already late for me. Most of the time the latest I go to sleep is at 11. Sometimes earlier if I don’t have much reading to do. The latest was at 3. For no apparent reason, I couldn’t sleep. I finished the book I was reading, did 200 sit ups, push ups and then just stared at my ceiling. Weird, but I guess that’s what happens when you consume two bars of Snickers in one go. Yum!

I was thinking of what I’ll do earlier and was ready to act on it, but now I’ve changed my mind. Thank god for my capricious mind, one of the few times I’m glad for it. I received an advice the other day from one of my block mates and she said, Trust your woman’s instincts. It is one of the best gifts that God has ever given us.

Why is it that some people are very interested in other people’s lives?? Wala na ngang ginagawa yung tao/mga tao, dinadamay pa nila? Ang feeling, grabe! Dumb and Dumber, you really do make quite a pair. Exag! Your head’s gonna be filled with air until it has no more space to fill in and blow up! Poor people, they will be contaminated with your “bad air” in more ways than one! god, it really makes my blood boil! As much as I want to bite your head off (eewww!), I can’t because that would make things bigger and I don’t want my sister to suffer. Besides, if ever that happens, I won’t be the only one, but hordes of people will. Makes me want to spike that head off!

All my negative energy’s spent up. Obviously I can’t stay mad for long. My parasympathetic nervous system is working hard. (<--nerd!) Oh well, still have to create another entry for my other blog. Ciao ciao!

Revelations and such

Wow, amazing, I only have one class tomorrow and it’s the last on my schedule. How cool is that?

This is so sad. My Kelly Clarkson cd is so full of scratches that some of the tracks won’t play anymore. The irony is that I vowed that I would take good care of it so as to avoid scratches. Oh well, guess it didn’t really work out.

My day started good, like most days, was exciting and confusing, at the same time full of revelations. PE and SA were both fun in their own ways. I’m glad that my professors weren’t as horrible as I expected them to be. Anyway, after SA, I went out with two of my barkada. We ate out in Chicken Bacolod for I was craving their chicken! Yum! I think that’s the only place where I dared order two servings of rice! It was a fruitful day for we really had some catching up to do. Shit. Made me miss my barkada more. We barely communicate nowadays. As in barely! Anyway, we just talked, talked and talked. Out of the blue, Roseann wanted to cut her last class, which was Economics to go out, and since it was once in the blue moon that we get to get out, we agreed. And it was going to be fun because she hasn’t ridden in an LRT yet! We had to convince Krista though since she had practice at 3, so we decided to be back by that time. Anyway, we were having so much fun that weren’t aware of the time. It was less than 10 minutes before we realized that our classes would start soon! We were really in a hurry since we didn’t want to miss the quiz and Roseann, to be late in her accounting class. The tricycles didn’t help either because of all the ones we stopped didn’t have any sticker! And the guard in front of the restaurant was kind enough to help us. Thank God for kindred souls. Anyway, we arrived just in time after walking a long way since we were dropped off at the cov courts, which resulted of course to slight tummy aches. Sheesh! We were so hyper for no reason why during class that I couldn’t concentrate on the lesson.

We were dismissed early so we had to wait for Roseann. Then the rain started to pour. I immediately knew that our spontaneous outing would have to be cancelled. Knowing Roseann, walking out in the rain and commuting would be very unappealing for her. Since we had nothing better to do, we stayed at the ctc area, near the smocket.

This is where the highlight of the day came in. The three of us were just talking nonsense, watching the rain, joking around. Then our conversation turned to more intimate ones, then came the revelations.

I did feel like I lost my best friend, and I thought that the feeling wasn’t mutual. It was. Of course I was jealous! If I weren’t then I wouldn’t be human. It’s just natural to feel that way. I didn’t know that she felt the same way. Obviously. Of course, the person who initiated the conversation wasn’t either of us, but her boyfriend. Typical. We were discussing about how we have disagreements for one day and the next day, everything’s alright. Then being the loud-mouth that he was, he said that sure we get along fast but we don’t really talk about why we had that misunderstanding, and instead of saying it to each other, we use him as an outlet which was true, I have to admit. Anyway, that started it. I thought she was mad, she thought I was mad. An obvious misunderstanding. Then the jealousy part. She was jealous because I was spending more time with my other best friend. I was jealous because she keeps on spending time with her boyfriend. She thought she was loosing me, I thought I was loosing her as a best friend. Then all hell broke loose. Confrontations, revelations, clarifications. Everything was laid out on the table. It did clear things up.

I’m glad that that happened. It’s not that we’re not open to each other. We just don’t want to strangle each other and screen who each other’s friends are. Sure it hurts to see one spending more time with other people, but that cannot be helped. Like what we said, if you want to spend time with them, go ahead because that’s what makes you happy, that’s what you’re contented with. Our paranoia for each other may seem weird but being in the situation we are in, it would be very understandable. It would have been a funny sight to see. The three of us seated on the floor, having not exactly heated conversations but slightly on that level. Kulang na lang na maging crying session. ^_^

I am a person who is unable to say no easily. That would be my Achilles’ heel.

My mother’s computer is so frustrating! Why is it that when I’m connected to the net, it gets cut off after 5 minutes? It is such a hassle!!! I miss my computer! I promise to take care of you just come back to me!

I had a very strong urge to go shopping today. It was sunny in the afternoon at 3 and it was very tempting to hail a taxi and go to Makati or maybe just to Galleria. Good! Because there was a rally in Makati. Didn’t want to get caught in it. Didn’t push through with it though. Ever since I heard that a guard died in the MRT incident, I’ve avoided riding in trains…for the meantime o_o

I should be studying for my fil test for tomorrow, but I just can’t focus my mind. It is so distracted!!!

Recent events have forced me to rethink about the course I’m taking. I hate thinking. I might sprout white hairs. I’m sleepy but I slept as soon as I got back from school. Ack! I’m becoming a slugabed!! I have this strange habit of doing sit-ups before going to bed.

Aila’s birthday is coming soon!!! Whee!!! We HAVE to go out!!! It’s a necessity.

Stupid me...

This is so frustrating! When will I ever learn my lesson? This is like the second or third time that my computer crashed and I wasn’t able to save my recent files. All the music I downloaded, the images I got, the newest layouts I made and the templates for my documents.

I’m currently listening to Jennifer Love Hewitt’s Take My Heart Back and Love Will Show You Everything via phone ^_~ I super love the movie; it’s heart-warming, sweet, very romantic and at the same time, dramatic. Call me a romantic but I couldn’t believe the number of tissues I consumed. It was like my nose was dripping. Eeew!

Oh well, so that’s the story of my life so far. Computers crashing, hot weather, oh yeah and Italian class. Last Saturday was just insane! My classmate didn’t attend, again and so there I was, speaking to myself most of the time. It was like answering questions normally asked by her but unvoiced, and another thing funny was the names used ;p Just one of those days that my saliva was all used up.

I’ve put my foot down and I can’t step back anymore. Argh! How could I be so stupid!?!

I really love graphic design. I just realized that now. As in NOW. At this moment. I guess that could be like my side job in the future. I’m no professional, far from it. I’m not an expert in using programs like Adobe Photoshop, InDesign and Pagemaker. No, I’m not fishing for any compliment. I need to work on those departments. But first, I need to have a very compatible computer. One that wouldn’t let me down. It’s like cars as to boys while computer is for me. Then, once I have that dream computer, I’m gonna look up in every book, magazine and sites that would inform me on maintenance and care for it. Then I will read up on books on those various programs.

There are so many things that I want to do. I want to sing in a musical. I want to do some dancing. I want to travel the world.

Long weekend

No classes today! Whoopee! However, that doesn’t mean I won’t be doing anything. Dammit. I have to study for my Psych test, read handouts (excluding that of Theo which I don’t even have yet since I forgot to have it photocopied…How could it have slipped my mind yesterday?) and work on my portfolio. I seem to be allotting more time for the latter. Hehe. Maybe that shows how badly I want to be in the graphics staff, but then again it doesn’t show in my work.

I’m so addicted to the song, The Good Kind by The Wreckers. I have no idea why. Maybe it’s the melody? Certainly not the lyrics. Oh well, I just love it.

This is so ridiculous. Okay so both my parents have low sugar, low salt and low everything diet! But to subject all the dishes to this kind of treatment would just kill me! My mom made apple pie, yummy right? I thought so too, but, sorry to say that the amount of sugar is what an ant may be able to carry! Then for lunch, we had risotto, a rice dish mixed with, in this case, mushrooms. Ack! Where had all the salt gone too!?! I couldn’t really complain since once I open my mouth, my mom would be biting my ear off, so I just had to bear the taste, or lack of it. I’m very sure that the central part of my tongue was happy with the situation.

I so do not want to go to Italian class tomorrow. I’m starting to get fed up with it, and early in a Saturday morning too! Sure, the rooms are air-conditioned and we have 5 minutes breaks in the 3 hours that we are enclosed in the room, but you do get tired of seeing the same two people every Saturday. It’s bad enough that I don’t really get to practice my Italian during the weekdays and to have a new lesson and a new conversation every Saturday, not to mention the home works that have to be done for the weekend; I wonder what would happen to me during exam week. Oh well, what will come, will come.

I need to shop. I want to shop! But I’m saving money for a new phone. I’m eyeing one of two phones: Nokia 8800 or Nokia 6680/1. My parents, rather my dad would buy it for me if I asked, but, I’m ashamed to. I’ve asked so much so I decided that it’s high time for me to do it myself. To earn more money, I’m planning to sell books that I’ve set aside and the old and used laptops, desktops, scanners and printers that we have scattered around.

I am such an idiot! Seriously! Grrr! If I weren’t myself, I would have thrown this body out a window, have it run over by a truck and have the body disintegrated and scatter the ashes in water so as to dissolve it more and have the water evaporate. I really am so stupid! Argh! I don’t deserve to live or even to speak and breathe.

It’s so darn hot! I wish it would rain, but not too much since I’ll be going out later in the afternoon. Sure hope ‘he’ would not be going with us…*shudders* Come on, give me a break, I can’t help it if I find that person such a nuisance and an egotistical maniac!

Anyway, enough talk, I need my beauty rest and rest my mind from the onslaught of graphic design. Ciao! ^_^

From the ashes...

Username: *type*
Password: *type*
! incorrect password

What? I could have sworn that was my password. Try again.

Username: *type*
Password: *type*
! incorrect password

WHAT!!? Again!

Username: *type*
Password: *type*
! incorrect password

Username: *type*
Password: *type*
! incorrect password

After nth thousand times of trying to enter various passwords and going to the email ad that I thought the site would send the password to, I found out that the username itself was the one at fault. *insert curses and self-inflicted pain* I was finally able to login!

I’m back but I know I haven’t changed the layout and the appearance. Couldn’t be helped that the lazy bug bit me…HARD!

Well, I know classes have started and that I should focus on them more but I couldn’t help but cut one class yesterday just to head over Gateway and watch two movies: Batman Begins and Mr. And Mrs. Smith. The weather wasn’t exactly conducive for learning, but conducive for sleeping. “Chilly” weather. Hmmm…made me think about something someone said. Me, a snob? I don’t know, maybe, maybe not. I do know that I have this uncanny way of ignoring someone but I think to be snobbish is exaggerating how I am. Right? Well then, correct me if I’m wrong.

Today was eventful. After class, at 430, I attended the forum by Fr. Danny Huang called “Discernment in Time of Action.” This was in exchange for the cell prayer meeting that we were supposed to have. It was interesting and it did shed some light to the current situation of our country. In discerning this situation, one should take into consideration four points: accountability, constitutionality, non-violence and ability to govern. Then, even after looking into these points, we ask the question: Does our president still have the moral credibility and practicability to govern? Yes? I doubt it. It could have weakened and for some it could be totally lost. That is one way of assessing the situation. Even in the lecture room, one could really see that there is no definite stand. With other schools pushing out their stands to the public, it was expected that Ateneo would do the same, but it was in a discreet sort of way. During the talk, it was said that if a stand would be put out, then it should be a “unified stand.” But isn’t that being too ideal? Look into ourselves. Even by ourselves we cannot make a stand on the situation, how much more a community? This was one problem or discussion that the AtSCAns had after the talk. As an org, we should have a stand, but how can it be achieved if not everyone is clear about the situation, aware yes but not fully and understands it. What is expected from us now in the org is not just to be present in meetings and activities but to really immerse ourselves into as why we are doing it. Gone were the days when we were “babied,” as they say, for the freshies would be there to take that role. This time, it would be one step higher and I am prepared and willing to make that step. Why then did I join this org if not for this purpose?

Earlier, I had an IC with my cell leader or a bit of bonding time. I haven’t been active for the last 2 semesters and I missed a lot. I thought I wasn’t losing anything by not being present in the activities but I was wrong. We go to our areas for “babad” where we get to talk to our manangs and the children. I only went there a few times and I thought no one would remember me since they seldom see me. How wrong I was. My cell leader told me that during the times she would go to our area, there’s this kid who would always look for me. Isn’t that adorable? And that really went straight to my heart. Hard. Here I was, being so contented with my life, that I didn’t see that I could make a child happy by just being there. That was the affirmation I needed.

It’s amazing how the presence of one person can change how you feel, think and act. I am more focused, more serious, more satisfied, more organized. Is this me trying to prove something? I hope that this drive would not be lost. I need to see the path in front of my eyes before I can move, or else I would be immobile.

I am really such a romantic and imaginative that I sometimes merge both the worlds of reality and imagination that would have me distorted. Sometimes, I jump too far ahead and dote on it rather than just looking at what’s hanging in front of my eyes.

Yes! No classes on Friday. That would be the time that I would work on my portfolio for Heights and to study for Psychology. Such competition for the graphics staff! That’s why I would work doubly hard for my graphics, and find the right pixels and resolutions so that when I print it, it would not look amateurish. However, I still have doubts in myself whether I would be able to make a good (if not great) job out of it. I’m no passionate artist or “graphicist” (hehe!). I am able to make satisfactory work, that’s it…oh well, whether I get in or not wouldn’t kill me. At least I could say that I tried.

There’s this new artist called Courtney Jaye who sounds like Liz Phair (Extraordinary). I also recommend the movie If Only starring Jennifer Love Hewitt. Her leading actor is not one that would take your breath away but it would be the story itself. Be sure to place a box of tissue beside you and maybe a pillow, or better, someone who’ll you want to squeeze tight. ;p