A long and busy day

"...Some positive rejection, foreshadowing frustration. Feels like I've been here before...The view from this position is of my inhibitions, torn apart and scattered on the floor. Now am I taking myself too seriously. Don't I know by now that eventually? There's gotta be a million things that could be said, but I don't go for talking when I lose my head. Like the pouring rain, I can't explain. I go insane...Saving it up for the morning after. Not going to slow down, I'm moving faster. I'm saving it all for the morning after..." - Lose My Head by Courtney Jaye

Have you ever looked into your closet and find out that you have absolutely nothing to wear, when in truth you have a number of clothes that you've only worn once? I mean, what's up with that? What kind of attitude emerges from that kind of thinking? Is that how fast my tastes change?

It's just a Wednesday and it's as if a lot of things have happened already. A lot and I mean a lot.

I haven't shed a tear for the past two weeks. I've been in a state of euphoria and contentment. I found myself agreeing with what's happening. I find myself "on a high." I felt invincible, strong, trusting people without a second thought. I've been everyone's 'ate' (my dear lil' sis and in AtSCA...man, do I feel old) and I found myself saying more than was necessary. What's the difference? These may have all been an illusion. My imagination seeped in the physical world. I may have deceived myself. Protecting myself from something that is stronger? Maybe, I've closed my mind to what was real or believed these moments to be real. The mind has the power to construct what is not real. The mind has the power to deceive and to reveal. Hey, that rhymed!

Maybe I have, unconsciously, have hated myself. *shrugs* Unconsciously it led to less eating. Unconsciously, it created a state of bliss. Unconsciously numbing myself from the pain. Just some random thoughts. Very random and weird thoughts.

Everything is closing around me. The white walls that surrounded my world have gone suddenly black, like an ink spilling on white paper. It cannot be erased, nor could it be reversed. It cannot be absorbed; it cannot be made lighter. How does one take away the stain? It is to throw the paper. Hide it, throw it, take it from sight, that's the only way.

It's funny. The moment something we desire or really like falls into our hands, we can't help but be suspicious. Well, I can't help but be suspicious. I can't help but question, how did it get here? This shows how discontented I/we may seem to be.

I slept at around 3 30 today to keep my lil sis company. Then we went to McDo at 7 30 (she at 8) to get some breakfast, then proceeded to our Psych class. I thought we had a quiz. Sheesh. Then, spent our 2 hour break at the cov courts to watch the games, study and chat. ^_^ Then had my Fil class where we were supposed to have a graded recitation but she isn't the type who's really strict about it. It was like an ordinary lecture day. Then, stayed at the sec benches for a while. Argh. My grammar's dying.

We had our AtSCA babad/erya today. It was so freaking hot that I was having second thoughts about going, but I couldn't. I promised myself, after hearing that commitment issue rise that I would do what I say I would do. Basta, yun na yun. Anyway, I thought that I would only be accompanied by Bubbly (freshie) and JD (nope, not the JD we all know, but the seminarian), but it turns out, 3 others were coming with me too: Barwin (freshie), H (sophie) and Belle (freshie). Hahaha. It was funny. Argh. Too bad I missed our GA. I couldn't even relate to what they were talking about, haha! Bubbly is my partner for our babad and we visited Manang Gloria and Ate Doris. When we arrived, it was like a few minutes past two so Ate Doris and her daughter, Abigail were still asleep and the only one awake was Manang Gloria who was ironing. So we just talked to her, until Abigail woke up. Very shy at first and of course, still rousing herself from sleep, but she warmed up after a while and was very hyper and talkative. Haha. We were supposed to leave at 4, but had to wait for the rest of the members to arrive so we left at around 430-445. Apparently, they watched 4 soap operas with the manangs. Haha! Funny. We went back and they wanted to eat out, but as I already had plans for the night, we decided to eat out the next time. Mang Jimmy's, where else?

I watched the soccer game after my area with my lil sis and my "twin" sister. Haha! Kidding. It was an exciting game, because it was only at the end that ADMU scored 3 points. After that, we stayed at their condo since Marco's and JD's meetings weren't done yet. We fell asleep; me drifting in and out to text. Funny, it was like my dream was merged with what I was actually doing. Anyway, we forced ourselves to get up to eat at Shakeys. After that, went our separate ways and as soon as I arrived, I immediately fell asleep. I woke up at 1130 and here I am, typing, texting and reading at the same time. I have no more load, wonder why...hehe ^_^ Thanks lil sis for 'inspiring' me! :D You know what I'm talking about ^_^

I'll always be here. ^_^

It has been a long and busy day. Good night you all.

A Life that Matters

I got this selection from the AtSCA yahoo groups. ^_^

*****

Ready or not, someday it will all come to an end. There will be no more sunrises, no minutes, hours or days. All the things you collected, whether treasured or forgotten, will pass to someone else.

Your wealth, fame and temporal power will shrivel to irrelevance. It will not matter what you owned or what you were owed. Your grudges, resentments, frustrations, and jealousies will finally disappear.

So, too, your hopes, ambitions, plans, and to-do lists will expire. The wins and losses that once seemed so important will fade away. It won't matter where you came from, or on what side of the tracks you lived, in the end. It won't matter whether you were beautiful or brilliant. Even your gender and skin color will be irrelevant.

So what will matter? How will the value of your days be measured?

What will matter is not what you bought, but what you built; not what you got, but what you gave. What will matter is not your success, but your significance. What will matter is not what you learned, but what you taught. What will matter is every act of integrity, compassion, courage or sacrifice that enriched, empowered or encouraged others to emulate your example.

What will matter is not your competence, but your character. What will matter is not how many people you knew, but how many will feel a lasting loss when you're gone. What will matter is not your memories, but the memories that live in those who loved you.

What will matter is how long you will be remembered, by whom and for what. Living a life that matters doesn't happen by accident. It's not a matter of circumstance. It's a matter of choice. Choose to live a life that matters.

-[author unknown]

Must Love Dogs

Am I brand-conscious? This was the topic from the radio station that I was listening to this morning. I used to not be, and now I am, but not totally. I still go to ukay-ukays and non-branded stores (Goldcrest), but once you go to specialty stores, it's hard to not go back. I can't help but compare.

It kinda seems unfair that I'm feeling happy and contented when most of the people around me are suffering, being sad or depressed and all, and I can't seem to lighten their load. They are all laden with problems that seems to pile up. Hay.

Once I press that "send" button, there'll be no turning back. Argh! What is it that's stopping me? To be seen as a fool? I don't want to look like a fool, but sometimes we do resort to be one in order to get things moving. ^_^

Hmmm...I hope it's not true, that when people are in this state of euphoria, they are suicidal. O_o I haven't had any tendencies though so I guess I'm safe? Haha. I hope. I wish. I have no intention of dying now. I still haven't…well, Rica you know what I'm talking about.

I realized something about myself recently. Haha. Lagot. Scandalous! :D

We saw Must Love Dogs today! A must-watch movie! It kinda strengthened the line I've posted a few days ago, the "online is a game...only here I play with who I am. Online dating. Who knows if the profile you have posted is indeed the real and honest truth? You can manipulate who you are. You can be someone you're not. You can play with your identities. Maybe that's the problem with the generation nowadays. We have too many identities to keep up with them; with the ever constant demand of turning up new ones. Of course the movie made me think of my dad again. Argh.

I guess when making a commitment, you should stick with it. Atsca babad tomorrow!

Just because...

I'll say it now and I'll say it again, I feel contented right now. Happy, yes, but it's not a constant feeling like being contented. I don''t know. It scares me to feel this way because it might be snatched back by whatever or whoever invisible being that gave it to me. This is one of the emotions that cannot be immediately explained or sometimes cannot be explained at all. Maybe, when asked why, my only answer would be, "just because."

It has nothing to do whatsoever with whoever texted last night . Maybe this time I really am satisfied with myself.

After this week, I promise, I will not cut anymore classes.

These days

"...How does he laugh? How does he cry? What's the color of his eyes? Does he even realize I'm here? Where is he? Where is he? Where is he? Where is this beautiful guy? Who is he? Who is he? Who's gonna take me so high?" – Where are you? By J. Roman feat. Soluna

I had very interesting conversations last night or rather this morning in yahoo messenger.

Have you ever felt that your respect for someone has lessened because you've heard something that they did or didn't do? I've been thinking that maybe I'm putting my trust on people too much, when in truth they shouldn't be trusted at all. Okay, that's harsh. I mean, that they shouldn't be trusted wholeheartedly. I mean, yes Rica, you're right, sometimes, I am really tired of putting up these defenses. I've had encounters with trust that didn't go well and to be always on guard is tiring that sometimes when you have the feel of a person, you immediately trust them enough to feel secure that putting down your defenses would be the right action. Of course, there are the selective people who I really trust. They have been tried and tested. Hehe, kidding. It's not that I'm apathetic that I just let everything pass by me. I simply don't do anything because I neither have the right to interfere nor to force my own decisions. Simply put: not my life, butt out.

I really hope you guys resolve your problem. Just give it some time. Maybe she really is busy. Of course that doesn't give her an excuse to ignore you. Believe me, I'll feel the same way when ignored. Flashback: Aila. But of course, yours is different, long distance eh. Just remember, don't give up on your relationship. There would always be a way.

Yesterday was really an interesting day. We went to church in our subdivision, and I didn't even know what the gospel was all about. (body issues, just skip it if you will) My mind was wandering the whole time. I realized how out of shape I was. I'm too slim and nothing I do adds to my weight. That's a good thing; it means I have a fast metabolism, but sometimes, it is just outright ridiculous to purge and not see the needle in the scale rise. If my eyes haven't deceived me, I lost 2 pounds. -_- And yet, sometimes, I find myself looking in the mirror and complaining how my stomach doesn't seem to get smaller. *ducks a tomato thrown at her* I'm serious, but I guess these are just insecurities rising up. I should be happy with myself, accept everything, faults and all. I miss volleyball. Not only do I get exhilarated when playing the sport, it also tones down my body. Haha. What's left of it anyway. I saw my thighs slimmed down. Pants that are usually tight around the thigh area are now loose. I love those thighs. They were firm, and now they're gone. Not to mention my ass. It did become smaller. Those miniskirts I avoided wearing before, I could now wear because the material doesn't rise that much when I stand up. I guess all the walking to and fro the university is the one to blame here.

Speaking of walking to and fro the school, I am now spending P10 more than what is necessary. I usually walk from the apartment to the stairs. Let's say that's my morning exercise. Lately however, this guy, who hangs around in front of our gate in the mornings (and in the afternoons too) has been hailing trikes for me to ride. It's rude to decline so I ride, and I'm sure that it is from his good intentions, but still. Sometimes it's good though because it's really disconcerting to walk and feel people's eyes on you. *shivers*

Anyway, I was wrong. My dad left yesterday, not today. I knew I heard 29, but I guess I need to have my ears checked. I helped him pack until the last minute. Then we brought him to the airport. I think my mom sensed how unhappy I was or how unhappy I would be so she said that we would go to Makati after. Despite the fact that my dad was leaving, I couldn't help but feel a tinge of joy. Bad, I know. We ate merienda and the Chocolate Oreo Cheesecake in McCafe is not that mouth-watering. Looks can be really deceiving. My mom and uncle went on their own, and so did I. I saw these lovely pants from People are People. They were those that flow around your legs. As beautiful and perfect it seemed, it was, unfortunately loose. :( Made me feel annoyed again at my body. Then I went to a few stores here and there. A new shop opened. Flip-flops. That's the name and it's true. Flip flops heaven. It opened yesterday and they had to put this barrier to stop people from entering because their place was small to accommodate the number of people, mostly girls who were excited to go and empty their wallets.

I do not claim to have a great fashion sense. Far from it. I wear what I'm comfortable with. There are only times that I exchange looks with comfort. Anyway, I saw AC people again. Topshop seems to be a meeting place for AC peeps. Haha! ^_^ I saw Mela (StD) and Christine. It's funny. It's like we're all independent now, which is the case I guess. It's like before, we're tagging along our moms after class to go to the mall and shop. Now, we're on our own, shopping on our own. All I need now is my very own credit card. Haha!

Rica and I were both reminiscing last night. Our conversations ranged from her problems to sexuality to my problems to games to kraci outings to birthdays to drinking to hyperness to music to food to gigs to lines until we started to reminisce things. Haha. English lit. Macbeth. Ms. Acero. Les Mis. Pintasayawit. Rica's evil look as she says her lines. Lady Macbeth's unsex me here" line that me got the "Most Lady Macbeth-ish" award. CR incident. Jealous girls. Baon. Siomai. Flavored water. Bugz and Angel's jelly tongue. Frozen chocolate, frozen mango and frozen ice tea. Strawberry shake. Jamaican patty. Mango crepe. Fruit shakes. The bread with pesto and cheese filling inside and tomato sauce that they sell during intrams and fairs. Eat in the canteen. Fooling around. Running around the oval. Playing at the patch of grass. Skyway. Tambay on the benches. Tambay sa school bus. Bean bag. Coffee house. Skyflakes that find their way around the classroom. Tempura. Tonkatsu. Peanuts. Popcorn. Cheese sticks. Yellow cab and McDo deliveries during practices. Puto and kutchinta in the brown paper bag. Sashimi of Wei. Sta's porkchop baon. My lemon squares daw. Rica's chicken popcorn with Caesar dressing. Chess and her canteen food. Angel's dessert trips with Ruby and Lum. PDA moments. Haha! Munchkins and donuts after class. Taho and dirty ice cream sa gate 3. Manang guard na tinatakasan. Snowcone (?). Free milo and Assumption tarts. Takas during practices. Mrs. Eala's fury. After-practice incident. Bataille. Rica's tough battle. Me and my long nails. 3 against 1. The triumvirate. Morning assembles. MPH. Late. Cold computer room. New chairs. New pcs. Angel's hanger. Computer teachers who let us do illegal stuff and those who shout. Feeling music teachers and the Herculean woman. Dami pala.

Three's a crowd. I think that phrase says it all. It's funny how one thinks they're the third wheel, while the other people also think that way. Haha!

I cleaned my room when I arrived at the apartment. I just organized all the handouts I had. In a few months time, I would be compiling them again as the first semester ends. But I don't want this sem to end, not yet. But what am I saying? We're still in the middle of the sem; no need to rush.

"...When you close your eyes do you like what you see inside your mind? And do you like to dream about the stars above once in a while?" - Once in a while by Dishwalla

Hate this feeling

I hate this feeling. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. Why oh why...? Grrr...I thought...But no! I am such a freak. and I feel stupid. Sige Rica, papatay na tayo kay Chess. Fuck. Of all the things to happen...-_-

In a corner of my mind

"...then I see you standing there wanting more from me and all I can do is try..."

Green seems to be the color of the day, well, according to Rica dearest. I am really tired. Who wouldn't be after chatting with Rica and Angel!?! I swear, seryoso. You guys wear me down! ^^; Well, tonight or rather, this morning, it was Rica who really wore me down. Delikado ka. Haha! ^_^ I'm not yet really sleepy but my mind's sabaw na.

It's either the house that's making me sneeze or I'm really allergic to dogs/cats. I've been sneezing and blowing my nose ever since I arrived. Wah! Oh well. I still love ‘em though.

Funny. We have two televisions but as of now, they're both not working. Hay. I'll survive though.

I watched The Longest Yard today. If the actor wasn't Adam Sandler, I wouldn't have gone, but as it wasn't the case, I did watch it. Very funny, recommended. I'm not writing in sentences anymore. Tinamad na daw. I'm being incoherent.

It was miniskirt day today. Fun, even though it was raining and it was freezing, not really, but it was very cold, especially in the cinema. We all looked so cute though.

Congratulations to you guys! You deserved it after all the hard work you did. Now you have money, pwede nyo na akong ilibre. Haha!

I was planning to make a new layout tonight. I was in the mood earlier, but right now, my mind has gone dry. I found a number of new brushes and images though. It's just in the manner of how well I put them together. Found a new script. I'll try it out next time.

Don't you think that hate is a strong word to describe what you're feeling right now? Hope you're feeling better though. You think too much when you shouldn't at all ^_^

Our theo prof is really something. Wenk. But if you don't care about what other people think about you, does that mean that you already view them as someone who are lower than you? Because, sometimes, I really don't care what other people think, but I didn't think of myself as someone who is better than the rest of them. Or maybe I do. I guess? Sometimes. Her story reminded me of somewhat slightly similar situation. Remember A3? Yeah. The ultimate ostracized girl. We tried, but she was just too clingy. She just didn't fit in.

It's weird. I really feel very contented this week. It's like I'm invincible and nothing could hurt me. It's like the walls around me has been rebuilt with a much stronger material. Scary though. Or maybe, I'm just feeling numb.

I wanna watch Must Love Dogs, The Perfect Man and Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. ^_^ Haha.

Monday. Hay. :(

"Online is a game…only here, I play with who I am." Here we can be whoever we want to be. We can assume different identities. We can be someone we never were or someone we wish to be. We can put several masks and they will never know what the real one is. Wala lang.

Sir Rams or Rams is leaving for the US. I thought it was just a rumor. Oh well, good luck to him. He made me love math though. I was browsing his blog earlier and I stumbled upon this entry. Very nice and very timely too.

*****

Closing Cycles

One always has to know when a stage comes to an end. If we insist on staying longer than the necessary time, we lose the happiness and the meaning of the other stages we have to go through. Closing cycles, shutting doors, ending chapters - whatever name we give it, what matters is to leave in the past the moments of life that have finished.

Did you lose your job? Has a loving relationship come to an end? Did you leave your parents' house? Gone to live abroad? Has a long-lasting friendship ended all of a sudden? You can spend a long time wondering why this has happened.

You can tell yourself you won't take another step until you find out why certain things that were so important and so solid in your life have turned into dust, just like that.

But such an attitude will be awfully stressing for everyone involved: your parents, your husband or wife, your friends, your children, your sister, everyone will be finishing chapters, turning over new leaves, getting on with life, and they will all feel bad seeing you at a standstill.

None of us can be in the present and the past at the same time, not even when we try to understand the things that happen to us. What has passed will not return: we cannot for ever be children, late adolescents, sons that feel guilt or rancor towards our parents, lovers who day and night relive an affair with someone who has gone away and has not the least intention of coming back.

Things pass, and the best we can do is to let them REALLY GO AWAY.

That is why it is so important (however painful it may be!) to destroy souvenirs, move, give lots of things away to orphanages, sell or donate the books you have at home. Everything in this visible world is a manifestation of the invisible world, of what is going on in our hearts - and getting rid of certain memories also means making some room for other memories to take their place. Let things go. Release them. Detach yourself from them.

Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Do not expect anything in return, do not expect your efforts to be appreciated, your genius to be discovered, your love to be understood. Stop turning on your emotional television to watch the same program over and over again, the one that shows how much you suffered from a certain loss: that is only poisoning you, nothing else.

Nothing is more dangerous than not accepting love relationships that are broken off, work that is promised but there is no starting date, decisions that are always put off waiting for the "ideal moment."

Before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to be finished: tell yourself that what has passed will never come back. Remember that there was a time when you could live without that thing or that person - nothing is irreplaceable, a habit is not a need. This may sound so obvious, it may even be difficult, but it is very important.

Closing cycles. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because that no longer fits your life. Shut the door, change the record, clean the house, shake off the dust. Stop being who you were, and change into who you are.

Draining day

“Online is a game…only here, I play with who I am”

Changed it back to the pink template. I’m on the phase of experimenting on layouts for blogspot. People have been saying that the previous layout was bright or the text was hard to read. I agree with the latter. I didn’t put any effort on fixing the color combinations for the text.

This has been a somewhat draining day for me. Let’s start with PE. We had yoga again, and we did more exercises than the last time I went to class. I know it’s all about stretching and breathing exercises but they do tend to be exhausting and your sweat glands will be happy with their job. Phew! My body felt really heavy, and I was dragging my body to go to my next class. Maybe, another reason why I was very tired was that I didn’t eat breakfast. SA class was the usual. Just listening to her talk and write down notes. I hated the eco exam. I’m beginning to have second thoughts about entering this course. I can’t seem to grasp the concepts of economics. Well, I can, just enough to pass that class but in the long run (yuck, eco term), to actually apply those to the real world or as a job? I think I’ll fail on that aspect. What do I really want? The answer to that question still eludes me.

I’m so hungry. It’s not that I’m starving myself. I’m not stingy when it comes to food, though nowadays, I try to budget my money. More on that later. But, yeah, I easily get hungry. It’s like today, we ate out at Tapa King to eat and study, and I did eat. However, while taking the exam, my stomach was growling and complaining to be fed. Sheesh! So demanding! Well, I didn’t get to eat until dinner time.

Why am I budgeting my money for the last few days? It’s because my little sister and I went to this spontaneous shopping spree. We didn’t get to buy much, but we did get to empty our wallets. Nice huh? So now, to pay (how ironic) for what we did, we’re trying to limit ourselves to just what we need, and that is, food. Inexpensive food, that is.

After eco, we planned on watching a movie. We still saw a movie, but it didn’t go exactly as we planned. There was some tension about making a decision before that. Tension that I didn’t help in lessening but added to it. Not to mention, we all just came from the eco exam, so the atmosphere was really thick.

How selfish I can be sometimes. Really, and utterly self-centered. I am aware, but refuse to see or acknowledge or accept.

Anyway, we went to see The Truth About Love. It’s another movie starring Jennifer Love Hewitt. I’m not sure if it was produced by the same person, but there were slight similarities to her previous movie, If Only. Like, for example, the setting and the music. The theme is very different. It’s more for a mature audience for it talks about having affairs. There was an unforgettable line though that I won’t state here, but it was funny, for us, so in order to know, you have to see the movie. It has something to do with a particular plant/root. Haha! ^_^

Currently sleepy, but I’ll read for a while for Psychology and Filipino. I need self-control. Seriously.

Loving the rain

Phew! Just came from a very much needed refreshing shower that I had been craving for earlier today, but got instead for a reason. The weather earlier was humid but very warm and you just melt at the sweltering heat. As the day progressed however, dark heavy clouds approached and a new note could be heard. In the end, the heavens opened and shared their glory to the earth. Coming back from the lunch I had with a few block mates, I was deciding whether to stay indoors or brace the angry weather. Feeling particularly brave, I chose the latter. I may be deranged but I love this weather. Well, today, I do. The dark clouds, the heavy fall of raindrops, the mood, the colors, everything fitted for me, everything seemed right. I sensed this feeling of contentment that I didn’t have for days. The right mixture of quietness and tempestuous. The feeling that nothing could bother me now; really, a feeling of satisfaction. I was dropped off at the waiting shed at the top of the stairs and I knew that I didn’t want to go home yet. I could have easily walked down those 99 steps since the rain wasn’t falling that hard and be home in minutes, but I chose not to. For 30 minutes, I stayed at the top, watching the world around me fade, then reappear again. I watched the water rise, then decrease and rise again. I listened to the angry moans of the sky and the flashes of light. I reveled in the moment, loving the angry streaks of wind as it passed us and content with just watching the rain fall. Of course, I knew that I couldn’t stay longer. I wasn’t exactly dry; one side was dripping and the other was slightly damp. I was slightly shivering, unconsciously, but these I didn’t care much for, nor did I notice. There was one discomfort though and that was my cramped right foot. Braving the rain, I walked down the steps, one by one going with the flow of water.

I got back to the apartment, dripping and saw that we had visitors, manang’s daughter-in-law and her baby. Seeing I was settled in, manang, like a dam just opened, rushed on to her speech. I was sure she practiced it earlier, but being in the mood I was, I gave what they needed. Oh well. Seems as if those two flip flops I was planning to buy tomorrow may be caught on hold. I don’t like being succumbed through a phase of drama; it adds frivolousness to the intention.

Hating it

I'm seriously hating this right now. *gestures to the newest, dull layout* It looks like a decaying part of nature. All the grunginess and decay is apparently not working for me right now. Did you know I abhor brown?? It seemed like a good idea yesterday, but tastes change, and with my capricious mind, I wonder what kind of layout I'll come up next. And it's way bigger than I expected. I didn't want any scrollbar appearing so I'll probably make it way smaller, if I decide to stick to it. As much as I want to edit it right now, I can't. I have to study for SA. I'm determined to raise my grades, but right now, I'm feeling the effects of sleeping late :( I can't sleep. I have to study, study, study.

UNDER CONSTRUCTION

Yup, currently under construction. I mean, if you miss the bright blue from the tagboard, then you must be blind. I'm just trying on what type of layout would be appropriate for this blog. Basta, bahala na. But I still really prefer that tranquil insanity layout. The colors work for me.

Hey Angel! Nice chatting with you dear! I know I owe you LOTS of kwento! I'll try to insert some of the kwentos in my blog. Enjoy the rest of your vacation! I miss you! I can't wait for next year when you'll visit us! mwah!!!

Live for the moment now...

“…You don't know the strength you have inside. If I could I'd shelter you from all the pain that we all must go through, but it's up to you…”

There's three, count them three children playing on the beach. They were eager to learn, to be taught, and to teach.
There's Veronica. She's biting her lip as she watches the waves turn white at the tip.
And there's Veda, radiating with joy. Luckily she still can't stand the sight of a boy.
And lastly there's Dave. His hair dances in the wind. And he's wondering what love is and why it has to end. And he can't understand how everyone goes on breathing when true love ends.
His mother whispers quietly... "Heaven's not a place that you go when you die. It's that moment in life when you actually feel alive. So live for the moment and take this advice, live by every word. Love is just a hoax so forget everything that you have heard, and live for the moment now."
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And there's three, count them three children growing on the beach. They were eager to learn, to be taught, and to teach.
There's Veronica. She's licking her lips as she waits for her real first passionate kiss.
And there's Veda who can't admit her jealousy of her sister Veronica, and how she's so pretty.
And lastly there's Dave, still sitting on the dock. He ponders his life, and he skips his rocks. And he wonders when his father will return but he's not coming back. And he can't understand how everyone goes on breathing when true love ends.
His mother whispers quietly... "Heaven's not a place that you go when you die. It's that moment in life when you actually feel alive. So live for the moment and take this advice, live by every word. Love is just a hoax so forget everything that you have heard, and live for the moment now."
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And there's three, count them three children missing from the beach. They were eager to learn, to be taught, and to teach.
But the sad thing is that they never lived passed the age of fifteen due to neglect from their mother who was bed-ridden by her ex-lover, their father. And she didn't even notice, or pay much attention as the tide came in and swept her three into the ocean. Now all her advice, it seems useless.
No, heaven's not a place that you go when you die. It's that moment in life that you touch her and you feel alive. So live for the moment and take this avice, live by every word. Love's completely real so forget everything that you have heard. So live for the moment now...

- story by the spill canvass

I got this from her blog. I’m deciding whether to stay in this blog provider, to go back to pitas or to sustain both. I feel more comfortable with pitas though since I can manipulate more my layouts and putting them up is very easy. But, an advantage for blogspot is that the entries themselves are easier to edit. Hmm…

I’ve been sitting in front of my laptop for…9 hours! Of course I ate dinner, but there, my butt’s becoming numb, my neck and shoulders are aching and the callous in my palm has darkened (from the mouse). My computer screen’s been flickering over the past hour; I guess it’s been feeling over worked-out. I know I should be studying for SA right now or maybe read for Psych or Filipino, but I can’t seem to lift myself out of this chair. I’ve been trying to figure out how to fix the frames (or iframes) without having to use a different page or to use those arrows that I used in my pitas page. I know I wouldn’t be able to sleep if I don’t have it done by tonight. Made three new layouts. All dark. The first was actually a mixture of brushes. A click here and a click there. Didn’t even think of what the outcome was, but I just went head on. The second one was an image of clouds and well, I did some photomanipulation. The third, it’s not yet done, I’m working on it as I type and I’ll continue it this week.

It’s 1 am and I have to sleep, but I don’t want to give in just yet. I’ll be sporting dark circles around my eyes again, but, it’s been quite some time since I’ve slept late. I’ve quite forgotten how the dark embraces me, or how darkness works for me. It’s during these times that my mind clears up and the creative juices ooze out, and I get all these thoughts about “stuff.”

Hullabaloo

Currently 2 25 in the morning and here I am, still wide awake. I can’t believe I forgot to bring my laptop with me. In all the excitement of going home yesterday and the prospect of going shopping, I forgot to pick up my laptop which I prepared the night before. Damn, and there I was planning on some graphics design I had in mind. I did shop at Makati yesterday. I miss that place. It’s like my third home, hehe, aside from my real home and school ^_^ I wasn’t able to buy some things I had in mind because I deliberately left my money so that I wouldn’t spend it all. I bought a skirt, two tops and a pair of flip flops. Yep, I bought the ones from People are People. Shopping part 2 will be this Sunday. I’m gonna drag my mother dear, if she’s willing to. She still doesn’t know though that I bought those. She only saw the skirt because I had to go back today to exchange it because of a damage I didn’t see. Anyway, yesterday, I saw Acha and Claire in Topshop, shopping too. Then Erika and Val in People. Bruha! Ang payat mo, grabe! But the AC uniform still suits you kahit super luwang, haha! :D For some reason, I miss wearing our red uniform. La lang. I saw red plaid skirts scattered around the mall and I remembered high school days when after class, we would drop by the mall. I got home with a welcome from a very enthusiastic Lucky (my dog) making quite a ruckus which caused the orchestra to start (one dog howling, one dog barking and the other…singing? Haha!). My dad has grown thinner than he already is, my mom looks haggard than ever, and the house was a mess, according to my standards. The library is under repair, thanks to the termites that found its way on our book shelf causing one part to fall apart, and my dad’s office, which makes me woozy by just looking at it is also under “organization.” Apparently, we can’t just throw the reports and books away because they are “top-secret.” Hmm….. Anyway, everything is such a hullabaloo around here.

It turns out that my dad’s leaving, this time for sure, on the 30th of August or was it on the 29th? They have been pestering him to come back (hmm…memorable phrase). They’re annoying. Oh well. Life’s like this. ^_^

It seems that I can never be good enough. Shouldn’t really bother me but it does. I do not wish to be compared to anyone. I am different, obviously, but they or rather, she can’t seem to see it. My study habits had indeed changed over time. I may not get the same results as I did before, and yes, I am slacking off, but to be compared to “them.” Please, give me a break and seriously, is that a way to raise my already decreasing self-esteem? Such a big help you’ve been.

Life's Like This

“…So come on and get me get me get me, baby I’m yours come on and get me, you’ll never be lonely lonely lonely, so baby, come on and get me…”

That song has been playing in my mind ever since I heard Iya humming. I just woke up and my mind still has cobwebs in it. I had a rude awakening with manang just bursting in my room without further notice and shouting that it’s time to eat. Then afterwards ordering me to call home. I just woke up, and a person who has just done so is not in the best disposition, hence ordering them around is a big no-no.

Exams again next week. I’ll be studying this long weekend. Yipee.

I checked LLT’s site and it’s still up and running. I hate the layout though. Was I the one who made that? Actually, not hate, I’ll be belittling myself, but it looks so…pink! Don’t get me wrong. I love pink, but it doesn’t fit the whole ensemble. I think I may have blended the pictures a little bit too much. I need to have my eyes checked. You might be thinking, what is LLT!?! Well, LLT stands for Life’s Like This. A fic that Sta and I started out of sheer boredom. We actually got the idea from East Water Florida. A very long and now dragging story concerning music groups. It was funny and witty until it became rated R. We stopped writing because we both had writer’s block, and it was quite hard to incorporate ideas for the fic. It was also a hassle because we planned on writing the events about the every day happenings of the characters. Plus there were 13 main characters so we had to write from all points of view. Phew! Not to mention the minor characters. Very ambitious. We plan on continuing it this year, of course with many revisions. Hopefully. ^_^

Yes! Something to look forward to on TTH! Hehehe… ^_^

Gotta study for Psych. Ciao ciao!

Assumption day

“…Like jellybeans in a jar, that’s how different we are…” – grad song

Assumption day today! Wear red, I know, but instead I wore purple. I couldn’t find a decent red shirt, so I opted to just wear anything that has the Assumption on it like my pendant and such. It seems as if I didn’t attend class today. I was anticipating getting the exam results today from Theo, but no. Instead she kept on rambling about the results, the answers and the reflection papers. It’s a good thing that we were dismissed early so that I can start and finish my paper. Yeah, that’s right; I wasn’t able to do my paper last night. I had a long break so it was sufficient time to do, hopefully, a not so crappy paper. Then we had Pinoy wherein we were also given back our results. Don’t ask. Then a short lesson. After that, we went to Gateway to watch Bewitched. In a way, it was a bit dragging, but amusing. I almost fell asleep at the middle part after laughing at some scenes. I want to watch Must Love Dogs. It looks sweet. Hopefully it’s a feel good movie. After 7 shops, 1 pair of slippers, a white skirt and a box of donuts later, we were on our way back. I rented three vcds, and I was planning on watching two tonight, but I can feel sleep approaching.

Trust.

The past is meant to stay behind, so why do some people feel the need to pry into it? Curiosity may have caused them to do so, but it’s in the past and bringing it up is just a waste of time. Not everyone needs to know about everything in someone’s life.

Haven’t got much to say really. Blogging seems to have a different purpose now. Unlike before, now I have to be careful of what I write. It seems…restricting. Of course, that previous post is different, a big burst of negativity, but you know what I mean. But then again, I shouldn’t care what other people say, but if it’s the people who you are close to or people you know, their opinions still matter, of course on different intensities. There seems to be a lot of “buts” in there. Am I making sense? My mind seems to be very muddled.

Friday. What to do? Oh well, I hope it pushes through. You know how we are, we keep on postponing our plans ^_^

Another tiring day

This is hardly the time to blog for I am in the midst of writing my Filipino paper, but seeing that I can’t concentrate and my mind is very much wide awake, so why not? Again, I’m cramming, procrastinating to the fullest! Let’s see, what have I written for my paper so far? My name. Haha! Not. How pathetic.

Today has been a tiring and a slightly fulfilling day. Slept late or rather early in the morning because of some people and waking early is not my idea to start a good day. It was the AtSCA orsem and it should have started, ideally at 8, but knowing the way we function…Anyway, I went there at exactly 8. Most of the time I’m a punctual person. I was expecting the program to be in full action, but when I arrived, they were still setting up. Since I didn’t help in the creative team, which I feel a teensy bit of guilt, I helped out. Then the new members arrived and the program started. Then it turned out that another member and I would fetch the kids from the area. One car ride, jeepney and a trike later, we got back with the very energetic kids in tow. There was the general introduction to the org, introduction and distribution of the new members, cell and area presentations and talks. Of course, lunch wherein I ate twice. First in Cervini since the introductions were taking so long and we were getting hungry. When we came back, it was time for lunch. ;p We had a mass after and a picture-taking session; any event is never without it. ^_^ It’s weird, but whenever the chorus of The Pilgrim’s Theme is sang, I get goosebumps, and I’m not the only one who experience it, some of the members too. *shrugs*

I ate out in Shakeys and I didn’t exactly binge, but I was hungry, really hungry. I feel that I could have eaten that whole pizza by myself, seriously. I was really sleepy by then. I was actually very sleepy after lunch. I planned on going back after our cell presentation, but the purpose of attending the orsem would have been rendered useless. They approached it in a very different way where they had this pre-orsem night that kinda reminded me of a retreat. I miss having retreats; I think I’ll join this year’s retreat, but I think it is scheduled during the sem break.

What else is worth writing about? *consciousness whispers: your fil paper!* Oh yeah, I just finished reading HP! I read it when I woke up, instead of immediately writing my paper. A dramatic turn of events, that’s all I’ll say.

I am reduced to a mass of tears whenever something reminds me of my dad. I can’t explain why. Whenever I watch movies that have some daughter-father themes, it takes a huge amount of control not to break down and cry. He’s currently sick, still sick, and that is not a good sign. Why is it that when I say my dad’s leaving the country, they immediately assume Italy? It’s annoying sometimes.

I miss walking at night, but I am getting thinner and it’s not a good sign. It’s Assumption day today. I can’t seem to find my AC shirt so maybe I’ll just wear red later or something, depending on my mood.

Bahala na!

Now they’re singing Hale and other recent popular songs!!! A cappella!!! They’re totally murdering the songs! I can’t take this anymore, I have to play my own songs. I don’t think any “noisy” music will be helpful to me. My blood might boil some more and it’ll reach the boiling point. My ears hurt and so does my head. Bahala na. Maistorbo na yung maistorbo. I frankly don’t care as of the moment. They’re all so fucked up so I don’t care!!!

DRUNKARD BASTARDS!!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am now sporting a DREADFUL headache!!! Who do they think they are!?! What a bunch of fucked-up shits! HELLO!!!!!!!!! Gabing-gabi, nagkakaraoke! A bunch of drunkards who all sing out of tune! WHAT THE FUCK!?!?! Buti na lang kung ang gaganda ng boses but NO!!!!! they’re all skyrocketing out of tune! Having small houses or spaces DOES NOT GIVE THEM THE RIGHT to disturb the peace! HELLO! Are they blind or something!?! Madilim! Gabi na ah! Umaga na nga eh! Pasalamat sila hindi weekday! I WILL DEFINITELY REPORT THEM! Putang-ina! Just wait and see. One of this nights, I’ll be playing my speakers so LOUD! And at night too so that they’ll feel what I feel right now!!! Let’s see how they deal with that!!! PUTA talaga!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Kanina pa yan and they aren’t stopping!!!! Ano yan, feel nila they’re all singers or something!?! Ang papangit ng mga boses and the women, that’s not called singing, that’s WAILING! It’s like someone died! And living on the third or fourth floor doesn’t mean that they’ll provide music for others! And the men! WHAT THE!?!? Don’t try imitating the artist’s style if you don’t have the voice!!! SHIT!!!! How will I be able to sleep!?!?!?! A bunch of uneducated freaks! They have ABSOLUTELY NO CONSIDERATION FOR OTHERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This so makes my BLOOD BOIL!!!! ANG LAKAS! Grrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Do they feel that they’re in a concert or something? Ang taas naman ng mga panaginip nila! FUUUUUCKK!!!!!!!! Stop murdering the songs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! “Thank you thank you” ka diyan! Tumahimik ka, yung ang mas pasasalamatan ko! Argh! Nakakainis!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If murder wasn’t an offense, I would have done that hours ago! Shit, bwisit!!!!!! Ang jologs pa ng mga kanta! GRRRR!!! I’ve had a good day and here you all are, making it feel like shit. Singing, fine, they have the right, they’re enjoying, but to put it at MAXIMUM VOLUME!?! That is just fucked-up!!!!!! They’re not in their right minds, yeah, they aren’t, they’re DRUNK! These people are all so RUDE, UNCOUTH AND VULGAR!!!! They are overall crude.

I badly need chocolate, right NOW!!! ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Red letter, wet weather...

...la lang, they rhymed.

Funny. I was puzzled as to why I was so sleepy. When I looked at my watch, the time read 1:48. No wonder! Anyway, some of my sleepiness disappeared. I was trying to read Harry Potter a while ago, and I was having difficulty in reading the first chapter. I think there’s something lacking in it. It’s not that “sticky,” that would capture a reader’s attention. I think that a first-time reader of Harry Potter would put down the book with that chapter. Oh well. Or maybe because I was sleepy while reading it. *shrugs*

Wet weather. Very wet weather and a chilly one too. It’s so nice just to curl up, snug with all your pillows and sleep or just stay in bed, while reading a book and munching on some junk and comfort food. I wished they had declared no classes for this day. It was very inconvenient, and not at all conducive for learning, especially when you’re having two exams. Speaking of exams, my theo test sucked! Today’s test was all essays, four essays, but there are questions that must be answered. It’s not that hard actually, if you’ve read. I wasn’t able to finish it though. :( Bummer. The last number was composed of bullet points coz she said that once the bell rang and we weren’t done, just put into phrases or bullet points our thoughts and it could still be credited. Oh well, like she said, God loves us! Then my exam for Fil was another frustration. I can’t believe it, but I had difficulty in the identification part. I know the answer but I couldn’t remember the names! Ang dami kasi eh! My eyes are slowly drooping at this point. I think the only thing that keeps me awake are the two bites of Krista’s chocolate cake. Thanks dearie! You made my day ;p I hope you’re okay and it’s nothing serious! ^_^ Whatever happens, I’ll stay by your side! I’ll donate my blood if you need it! Wait…hold on, I’ll think about it. Haha! Mwah!

After class, we ate out with Nanny Annie! Hehe! We convinced her to cut, cool! Sorry, BI, it will not happen for some time, don’t worry. ^_^ Then we went to Eastwood to watch a movie but we were too late. Dude, you’re a scary driver! Haha! We still didn’t watch a movie, but instead pigged out and watched the guys play billiards. I love ya Lil’ Sis! I missed ya too. Even if I’m in “nerd mode,” I’ll still make time for you. ;p Cheer up dearie! No matter what you decide to do, I’ll be here. Next time, we really are gonna watch a movie na ^_^ and possibly, eat more! ^_^ Yehey! I got my appetite back! Which means…hehe! It’s raining hard again. You can hear the howling of the wind. My mind is super cluttered. Paiba-iba na ng topic. Hehe. Cold wind. I love my bed.

My dad’s still sick, and what makes me super duper guilty is that I haven’t called the whole week! My stupid pride. Oh well. I’m thinking of whether I should go home tomorrow and ditch my priorities in AtSCA. I mean, family’s more important no matter what happens. The rain’s gone. Aaawww…more rain! So that I’ll sleep better.

People are plain weird and I don’t exclude myself. Song of the moment: emotions. It seems right for this weather. My room is super gulo. There’s this stack of food on one surface, like chips, chocolate cake, oatmeal cookies and Pringles! There’s this new flavor or so I think, Sweet Mesquite BBQ. I love the combination of the BBQ flavor and sweetness of sugar. On another surface are like jackets and such. I don’t even know if they’re all clean. Haha! Is this my room?? Yes! It’s raining again.

Roseann was such a temptation today. She had this pass for a private sale in Topshop!!! Wala na namang ulan, ang labo. I think I should go home tomorrow, or technically today. It’s 230 in the morn. Am I planning to sleep? I guess, but it’ll elude me still. I slept as soon as I arrived and ate. The minute I hit my bed, BAM! Off to lala land. Did I dream? Hmmm…Don’t think so. Ang labo ng entry na ito. Sorry! ^_^ Parang ang hyper ko pero hindi naman. I remember when we were in Eastwood and Jd bought us candy. We were laughing like crazy after. Sugar rush. Super sugar rush. Then after a while, we were both quiet. Haha, ang funny. I’m craving for Nachos.

Never mind this entry. I’ll post a more decent entry later. I’m sleepy na. The sugar has been used up! Time to get a fresh supply? Nah, I’ll save it for later, and this is the point where I say good night!

Of past entries

I’m done studying for Theo and moving on to Filipino, but since my mind’s still in Theo mode, I need some sort of distraction to prepare me for the next subject. I can’t say I’m confident for tomorrow. It can never be said when an exam comes up. Oh well.

I’m slightly annoyed. I cut one class AGAIN today! After I’ve told myself to save those cuts for deathly important occasions, here I am breaking my word again. Sheesh! Hehe! But I’m thinking of cutting Psych tomorrow. IF I haven’t finished reading for Filipino. But I’m still really very tempted. Haha! So much for “deathly important” occasions.

My whims come at a bad timing. Seriously. My hands were itching to make a layout earlier and just as I was studying! I had an idea when I saw The Fifth Muse’s site. It was hauntingly beautiful. Literally. It had this ghostly, mysterious effect that would send slight tremors on your back. I’m thinking of patterning a layout the same way, of course, using her brushes and maybe her artworks. I hope this itch won’t go away for a while. This weather is just the right atmosphere to create that haunting layout. It sort of reflects my mood. Whee! I’m excited to start clicking on that mouse and encode! I promise myself that I’ll learn how to use flash for making websites. It’ll be a challenge, I know, as people from the web design world had told me. But nothing will come out of nothing if you don’t work on it.

I was chatting with Rica last night, and frankly dearie, I “lose” myself when we chat. Haha!! I don’t know what I am na when we talk. Kidding! It’s like, is this me? Do these things actually come from me? Hmmm…I think you draw out the real me. Hahaha!! Oh well! That’s why we have fun ;p I can’t wait to watch those series! What’s the title? The L Word? As long as you restrain yourself. A “handful” of Rica would be hard to handle. But I’m sure you wouldn’t mind. Pero papatayin ako ng asawa mo. Hehe! You guys keep it up. Congrats! You actually made a long-distance relationship work ^_^

I’m reading my blog entries from way way before. It was April 2003 when I was introduced to the blogging dimension by Gin (I miss ya girl!). April 27, 2003 Sunday, to be exact. Haha! La lang. I was just looking if anything had changed over time, and of course it has. Obviously. Funny how my entries before were assaulted with numerous exclamation points, side comments and “actions.” Take for example, this entry:

“*drools* yummy! i love cakes! especially honey crunch cake! i'm addicted to it! (sta! i'm not a d---) mwahaha! yummy...just thinking about it makes me want to eat it...NOW!!! mwahaha!!! *tiptoes to the kitchen and takes out a knife, fork and plate. goes to the fridge and takes out the half-filled-plate-of-cake-that-was-just-bought-yesterday and cuts 1/4 of it* *drools* *drools* YUMMY!!! ack!!! i wanna eat!!! haha!!! bu-bye! i'm gonna eat it right now!!! mwahahaha!!!”

Seriously, how weird could I get? Haha ^_^ I’m actually craving for cake right now. Then there was this super duper long entry about the time we went to EK. It was so detailed! It’s also funny to see what my reactions were before:

“so anyway, i was looking for pictures for me and sta's major major fic! pictures to represent the characters of course! i wanted anonymous people, not celebrities or anything but sta had a hard time looking for a redhead girl so i tried to look for it...MY GOD! you can't believe it!!! my mind was so like polluted! in the google search, obscene/lewd/indecent/disgusting links came up!!! EEEEEWWWWW!!! how utterly disgusting! and i added the word decent but still disgusting links came up! *shudders* so i gave up!! i mean, how could i go on if those kinds of links come up?! so anyway, celebrity pics are all right...^_^ (sta! i give up! and you're right! looking for pictures of nobodies is just...*shudders*) yuck!”

Haha! They’re all so funny. A good distraction ^_~ *read read read*

Cool, I saw this poem that I posted. I didn’t compose it though.

Certain Words

There are certain words…
That sting as they leave your tongue
And echo in your memory for years after they are spoken
And you will always remember what I was wearing
And the peeling paint on the wall behind me
That you could only see clearly when you stared straight through me

There are certain days that you will always regret living
They will haunt you in your sleep every lonely winter night
And you will awake to the sound of your own tears
And you will hate yourself
For not being strong enough to pull the trigger to a happier time
That your memory has forgotten

I’m obviously bored. Hehe. But it’s fun reading my past entries. Parang, ako ba yan? And then I saw that I really burst all my feelings there like the negative feelings and such. Hehe. Siyempre, I’m reminiscing right now. Oh well. Just as long as it’ll keep me from studying Fil! Haha, cramming!

“it really is hard to be so close to someone just to know that someday, they will be gone from your life...why am i saying this? well, we found out today that one of my classmates, who was my classmate from first year to fourth year was leaving for japan and she MIGHT not come back...isn't that depressing? so today, during our practice for our presentations tomorrow, we were all crying, teary-eyed, sobbing...such a depressing day..and top it off with the physics test...sure i studied...sort of but it was also difficult for others...stupid formulas...SHEEETTTTT!!!!”

Aaawww…I miss Kayo. She’s back in Japan right? After a short vacation. Hehe, here comes my weird dreams again. I don’t understand why I have these astoundingly weird dreams.

“i had a very weird dream last night...the latter part i forgot coz it was kinda scary but the first part i did remember ^_^ it was a dream in a dream ^_^ get it? okay, i slept, then i dreamt that i was sleeping and i was having a dream. in that dream, i felt myself slowly giving in to sleep when suddenly, i WAS asleep...i really can't explain what i felt, it's kinda vague. anyway, when i was in that deep sleep, i felt trapped and it was like floating, being weightless and i couldn't feel anything. the feeling was also like you're trapped in this box. anyway, in my dream, it was like i was awake inside but my physical was asleep...get it so far? anyway, i wanted to wake up and i willed my eyes to open but i couldn’t! i couldn’t even move my legs and my arms and my body was soooo STIFF! suddenly, a voice, i don't know who, woke me up. anyway, when i opened my eyes (im still dreaming), it was dark and i could see a figure moving closer and closer to me, then suddenly backing up, while moving closer again. someone was beside me and i asked this person what that thing was...the person said that he/she couldn't see anything...then i knew i was hallucinating...i forgot the latter part of my dream. anyway, i know something frightened me in my dream that woke me up...well, that's it...kinda weird right!?! *shudders*”

Hahaha! La lang.

“anyway, i was reading through my blog entries and the stories that i made before and now, and i noticed the difference among them. The stories i did before and my blog entries were always happy. it has this certain cheerful tone, a light tone, but my works now has a tinge of seriousness and formality. it surprised me really. when i read what i wrote, it's as if a different person wrote it. a completely different person. don't you ever get that feeling sometimes? when you write something and leave it alone, the next time you read it again, you can't believe that you were the one who wrote it. okay...im not making sense! :D haha! ^_^”

I actually made sense. I miss reading novels. I haven’t read a thing. Well, hold on, I have. It’s called Naked Once Again by Elizabeth Peters. I’m still reading it.

“we had the greatest english lesson ever! it has its positive and negative sides. what happened? we finished the book les miserables and to tell you the truth, i have fallen deeply in love with it! it is fantastic, wonderful, amazing, touching! it is just ineffable! no words can describe what i truly feel about this book! the ending is really beautiful. it gives justice to the book. if you haven't read les miserables, then i suggest you do because you cannot live without reading it. it encompasses almost every emotion that we feel, situations that we may run into. what is truly amazing in this book is that we see parts of ourselves in the characters. there is a person struggling to do good no matter how difficult it is, a person whose love was not returned, an evil person, a person held upright by his upbringing...and much much more! ^_^ as i've said, we are done with the book and it was ended with a song "finale" from the broadway musical! truly wonderful! it actually made me teary-eyed (couldn't cry in front of the teachers...^_^) because of the beauty it showed me ^_^the negative side to it is that IT IS DONE!!! but what can we do? all good things must come to an end...they never truly stay... ^_^”

“Oh well, life’s like that. People leave…”

Haha! Ang bitter!

Okay, enough. I seriously need to read for Fil. So help me God, I suck in that subject. I can’t even describe how I feel without resulting to English. :( I’ve made up my mind. I’m cutting.

Of shopping

“…And I wonder just where my place is. Close my eyes and I remind myself this…I will be strong on my own. I will see through the rain, I will find my way. I will keep on traveling this road till I finally reach my dream, till I'm living, and I'm breathing my destiny…” – I Will Be by Christina Aguilera

I guess I won’t be cutting Filipino for a while. I already have 3 cuts and it’s the biggest one so far. I was missed because I cut my Filipino for two successive meetings, and we had a quiz for one meeting. It’s really tempting to cut that subject. I mean, look. I have a two hour break before that. Who in their right mind wouldn’t? Haha! But Friday was the best! ^_^

I have to make up for the quizzes I missed and failed, for the stupendous grades on my long exams and for going to class not knowing anything for that day. I’m in “nerd mode” right now. Well, trying to be. I was studying for Theo last night, and I just couldn’t concentrate. It was boring, and my eyes kept closing out of their own accord. Deciding to study at 1, I laid on my bed and had this short but weirdest dream. It was kinda like a Fantastic Four where there’s this faceless guy who swallowed this ball of fire and absorbed it. Then an invisible woman who kept bumping on another person. Then there were those flying robots that looked liked cameras. It was so weird, and I had no idea where those were coming from. It’s not as if I watched a movie containing robots and such. Anyway, then out of nowhere, a sound of something ringing was heard, and well, I woke up because “someone” called. Haha! Nanggaya daw ^_^ Anyway, I was awake for sometime but when I got back to reading the last of the handouts, my body just gave up and decided to finish reading them in the morning. Oh well, may God have mercy on me and create a miracle for my grade.

I heard an interesting conversation yesterday after my class in SA. I was in the bathroom, and there were two other girls talking. The first girl was complaining on her family’s lack of funds, especially for the next semester and how her parents were being worried and all. Then, proceeding, she said that she noticed how right now she feels lost. She goes to school and study just for the sake of getting a good grade that would be socially accepted when she has graduated. “Ano ba talaga ang purpose ng buhay ko? Para kasing walang kwenta na eh. Halos pare-pareho na lang ang ginagawa ko araw-araw.” Of course that wasn’t the exact phrasing, but it went somewhere along those lines. I could sympathize with her since that was what I was feeling a few days ago. I wanted to shout, I feel the same way! But I didn’t want to tarnish my reputation as some crazy-female-eavesdropper-shouting-from-a-cubicle in the Faura bathroom. Then her friend told her that feeling that way shouldn’t cause her to want to end her life. *nods* Well, nobody said life would be easy. A cliché that we would always hear, but cannot wholly grasp.

It’s funny how a name or even a person’s initials can elicit this “jolt.”

If there’s one thing I hate, it’s people who are being downright rude! Hello! Umagang-umaga masisira na araw mo! Why can’t people just shut up!? It may be a compliment in some way but please say it nicely! And what’s with the look?! If I weren’t just a girl or if I weren’t alone, I would have given them a piece of my mind, but I know better. Who knows what these people think and what they’ll do?

I’m gonna study for my Friday exams today and also finalize our group report for tomorrow. We haven’t even met to discuss! Haha! But it’s okay, it’s not as if anyone really listens except for our prof. I had this strong urge to watch a movie today, and possibly buy those wonderful pants that looks like skirt when worn from Mango!!! I was prepared to buy it last Sunday, but they didn’t have my size! Grr! So I’ll try to check if they have it. If they do, then I’ll be ready! I also discovered basic shirts from Topshop and I still need to buy those sandals from The Shoe Salon! What else? Basically, I’ll be saving money to shop in Mango, hehe! It’s not that I don’t care about the cost. I do! My pocket’s started to singe, and in no time will result to a hole. Oh well. That’s life. You lose some, you gain some! But I seriously want and need those pants! Not to mention that purple jacket and a pink one from Terranova plus their new long sleeves! Wah! Then my parents will ask, why is your card empty? Where did all your allowance go? Waha! Then I’ll show them my receipts. That, I’m sure would kill them. Then they’ll rise from the dead and make me disappear from this world, cremate me and dissolve my ashes in water.

I WANNA SHOP!!!

I wonder when my dad’s leaving. I haven’t talked to them since Sunday. I’m such a bitch, but right now, “care” doesn’t seem to be in my dictionary. What to do this weekend. One thing that I’m sure of is I won’t go home. Nah, I’m not rebelling. I’ve been doing that ever since, hehe joke. Well, Friday afternoon I can’t go out since I have to help in the creative team in AtSCA. “Change Gears.” I think this year’s theme is better than last year’s which was “Pagpalaot.” I guess Saturday too, but that would mean I have to go the area in the morning. I don’t wanna go there alone…scary. Haha! One jeepney drive plus a trike drive and a few minutes walk is not exactly an activity I want to do alone. Hopefully the whole K1B6 will go together. RJ has grown taller. La lang. I saw him last Thursday when I went to the area. Kinda shy pa daw, wooshoo! Miss niya lang ako, hehe! ^_^ Then I’ll be occupied the whole of Sunday though I’m trying to worm my way out for the afternoon. I need some time out. Oh yeah, for Saturday, I’m not sure if I still have a class. What I know is that my 30 units are done. If my mom paid for the next, I have no idea. I just hope it won’t be this Saturday.

I’m sleepy again. Argh! I’m becoming a slugabed!! Anyway, ciao! Chivediamo domani! (See you tomorrow!) or later, if I feel like blogging again ^_^

Untitled ^_^

“…Sometimes I get emotional. Sometimes I do some stupid things; sometimes I say what I should just keep inside. Sometimes I’m sad about everything; sometimes I’m mad and break some things. Sorry times ten but you just got in the way…Sometimes I get emotional…” Emotional by Diana DeGarmo

Have you ever had that feeling of wanting to do something so badly and at the point of doing so, but suddenly, you stop and hold back and yet you can’t understand why? Maybe it’s because you’re afraid of what other people may think of what you’ll do…*shrugs*

This weather is making everyone down, but I’d rather have this weather any day than the scorching one. However, this weather plus some soothing music is the perfect mood for contemplation, for insecurities to rise, for emotions to reach their climax and for breakdowns. Hehe.

Where is my appetite these days?? I need to eat, I know I do, but when I see the food in front of me, I suddenly feel full. When I take a bite, I feel nauseas; it’s freaky. I need to binge! And then, for PE we watched Supersize Me, haha! Then someone suggested we eat at McDo’s. Waha!

It is Pat’s birthday today!! Happy birthday! Well, in “celebration,” we ate at World Topps. And no dear, I ain’t mad at you. Love kita eh! Haha! It’s okay, promise ;p Mwah!

I feel, once again, the beginnings of a cold. I don’t wanna have colds! Have to study for Theo! Ciao!

Tear-shedding stones

"...In life, there's gonna be times when you're feeling low and in your mind insecurity seems to take control. We start to look outside ourselves for acceptance and approval. We keep forgettin' that the one things we should know is...Don't be scared to fly alone, find a path that is your own. Love will open every door, it's in your hands, the world is yours. Don't hold back and always know, all the answers will unfold. What are you waiting for? Spread your wings and soar..." - Soar by Christina Aguilera

I hate what’s happening to me right now. Why in the world am I this way? I cut one class again today and we had a quiz. The person I know wouldn’t do that. She’ll be very adamant in not cutting that class and would just cut another day, but this person now has changed, very much. Has my resolve weakened that much? I have no motivation to study; that “push” is gone. It’s as if I don’t care anymore. And that, frankly, is scary.

I also hate what the Quezon city government has done: tricycle ban in Katipunan. I’m sorry, but what in the world were they thinking? Oh sure it’s for the safety of the people, but hello! It’s not always the case of these trike drivers. Most of the time, the accidents are caused by speeding drivers who are either under the influence of alcohol or drugs, and mostly happens at night or before dawn. It is seldom caused by these tricycle drivers. I admit that they are scary sometimes especially when they try to squeeze in between an impossible space, but think about how inconvenient it is for the students to travel! For students living in the Katipunan area, they have to take one or two trikes in order to get to their destination! It just makes my blood boil!

I’m supposed to be doing my SA paper right now, or better yet, I’m supposed to be done with it, if not by today but maybe a few days ago. But no! This has been procrastination to the fullest. It was given a month ago, and I have waited until this moment to answer it. I am so stupid! But what’s the use of constantly berating myself when I don’t do anything about it? Right, it has no use at all. It’s like what we discussed in Psychology today that when punishment is not administered constantly, it will have no or little effect.

Nothing like the music of Christina Aguilera to raise my spirits. She may not dress appropriately, but at least she has guts. I love her songs, and it keeps my slipping confidence and self-esteem up.

We had this interesting lecture in Theo class about love. There were some things I agreed on, and some that I don’t.

I don’t like being told what to do, and I don’t like being used, but stupid me, I allow myself to, and I will continue to be until someone whacks me in the head so hard that my brains would be rearranged, and I’ll be able to think straight (<--run-on sentence *shrugs*). Of course I can’t escape from my parents who will tell me what to do sometimes, and I can’t escape from their disappointing lectures. I admit, as much as it’s hard to do and as much as I do try to deny it, that I was at fault at that time. Thinking rationally right now, they were being the concerned parents that they are. Of course, that doesn’t mean that I’ll have to agree to it; I’ll be my stubborn self and give them a bit of a hard time. They expect something from me and I expect them to act in some way too, but like what was said, these expectations are not verbalized; this causes a problem in any kind of relationship, whether they are about family, friends or other loved ones. It can’t be helped to have expectations. That is normal and we aren’t God who is able to love without being loved in return and continues to love despite all the expectations that seem to bar its way. Hold on, I better stop here. Theo class is slowly taking its effect. I don’t want to have a blog full of it. I saw a fellow AtSCAN’s blog filled with topics from his Theo class. But, as boring as the class is, the subject is not.

What is complicated with a stone is that when broken, it has no way of repairing itself. It is so hard that the molecules are too compact to establish their bond with the broken pieces. How about a snail? The shell seems to be able to protect its occupant, but when something heavy falls on it, it breaks. Does it seem strong now? No. That’s why they evolve, and the next one is able to produce a shell stronger than the previous one. To build a wall around it that would certainly last longer.

I’ll snooze for a while and do my paper when I wake up. Ciao ciao!

yaluuu's entrry!!

havin soooo much nfun wd mah poseys! and i can't believe i can type this well! haha
Martini???? i want some haha I'm DEAD SERIOUS!! haha --shit i'm amat so forgive me.

Happy feeling!

We're at Charmie's condo! and Charmie just bit me on the shoulder right now! Ang sakit putcha!!! La lang, we're having a good time :D

Heavy feeling

“…Do you know I cry? Do you know I die? Do you know I cry? And it’s not the good kind…”

I was not in the best of moods today. I guess it was evident. Being sleepy in the middle of the day was not how I wanted to feel. I have a loose reign on my emotions and who knows when I’ll snap? Not a good sight.

Well, an ordinary day. PE is useless. We were once again dismissed after having a 15 point quiz because the group wasn’t ready again to report. I went to the library to cool off and saw two of my blockmates so I sat with them. Just talking about stuff. Then we went to SA class, deliberately making ourselves late. I don’t like arriving early in that class. I can’t seem to find a reason why. Then we went to Shakeys to eat lunch. At last, he rode a trike! Wonder why the idea seems revolting. *shrugs* I’ve lost my appetite lately. I eat normally and binge on food when it’s that time; this time my taste buds seem to have lost their function. I had to be forced to eat two pieces of pizza. Anyway, went back for our Eco class. Argh! I was so sleepy that if I laid my head on my desk, I would have fallen asleep. I went straight home after class.

Hay, I’m really bothered, but the most reasonable thing to do is not do anything and just ignore those buzzing bees. Right? I’m just being myself. I’m sure there’s nothing wrong with that.

Funny. My dad told me I was like a “little tiger.” Am I that scary? Do I scare people off? Eh di they’re wimps if they can’t handle me. Ha! Why am I in a sarcastic mode? I need to let off some steam. No matter how small things may seem, they build up. Ang labo kasi eh! I don’t know. I feel mad, but should I be? Then I’m getting affected by it all as much as I deny it. But it does get to you when every little thing you do is noticed. I’m sure I’m acting up for nothing. Maybe it’s magnified because I was in a foul mood earlier.

Why doesn’t it rain? It has been thundering for the past hour and still, the drops won’t fall. The feeling’s so heavy, just fall will you!? Okay, I’m getting annoyed at the weather. I’m being weird.

Tired but happy

I’m really sleepy right now, but I can’t give in to my tempting bed since I still have to answer something for our Psych paper. I haven’t actually started to answer it. I guess my mind’s just too distracted.

I arrived a few minutes ago from a whole day of just hanging out. My morning started with breakfast at McDo with two of my blockmates and her friend. A kilig moment! It was just funny. Then I had to go to UP because of some recommended lecture that would add points for those who would want to improve their grades in SA. It was about the Noh Theater. It was a Japanese culture so obviously it was interesting for me. It was a short lecture where in sensei, I have no idea what his name is, something like Odaka or something sensei, discussed a few principles about the Noh Theater and he gave a demonstration. It was a bit disappointing because I expected costumes and such; however he explained that in doing so, it might alienate the speaker and the audience, hence creating some sort of rift between the two. After that, Klart, Marco and I waited for Charmie to get ready and we headed to Eastwood to eat and watch The Wedding Crashers! We went around for a bit before entering the cinema and I bought this top from People are People. The white skirt that I so wanted was all gone! Shucks. I missed a chance to buy something I like again! Anyway, I’m planning to buy those sandals from Shoe Salon. Ha! Man, I really can’t be contented with something I already have. I have these sandals from Aerosoles, and I’ve only worn them thrice! Anyway, after the movie, we were undecided as to where to go. We were constantly asking, so where do we go next? Where do you guys wanna go? Well, we settled to go back to Katipunan. Bought medicine, withdrew money and ate dinner at Bento and dessert at Red Ribbon. I had so much fun! Ang sarap mangulit ng tao, haha!

Anyway, I’m supposed to answer Psych so I’ll do that first.