Long entry
Wow. It's been a while. How many days have I been unable to blog? I don't quite remember. Haha. I guess it was my last final exam day. Tuesday last week. So...yeah, there, I don't really know quite where to begin. Well, just start with today I guess. I went out with Joey and Marco! But I was with Marco first in ADMU (nope, we're not nerds who seem to love hanging out in school) coz he had to settle some accounts with ADSA and the library. After that, we went to Shang to meet up with Joey. While waiting for her, we went around and everything. Once again, the feeling of needing to buy something overcame me, but I tried to ignore it. I was actually planning to buy that bag from Mango, a top from Topshop and a new journal. We also checked the schedule for the movie. Joey arrived but we were late for the movie so we ate instead at CPK and went around to window shop and fit some clothes. Sorry Marco! Pero dapat sanay ka na :D Didn't buy any clothes but bought a "journal" instead. Actually, it's just a simple notebook. I couldn't find one that really suited me so I'll just fill that out in the meantime.
I really wasn't planning to go out today. Seriously. I mean, the retreat (explain more about that later) intended to be relaxing and all, but I really wanted to go home. I even thought of making some excuse not to go (hehe, sorry!), but in the end, I realized that why not go out this week and next week, commit all my time to my plans. Plus...there, there was also another reason why I went out. So I did go and I did have fun. Tubby! Haha! :p
Ack. Sorry, my thoughts are still scattered. Kasi, when I arrived home, everything was so messy, chaotic and I was bombarded with all the things to do, not to mention this current conflict with Oasis's debut. Hay. Wait, ieexplain ko rin yan.
Okay. The silent retreat. From Monday to Thursday (yesterday).
Monday. There I was, all packed and ready. 1130, expected time for assembly. I left the apartment at 1125. I arrived and there were only 2 people. Waited. More people. Didn't really knew anyone. New members. Saw Che. Went to McDo to buy food. When we arrived, everyone was there. We had to answer a survey like what were our current concerns, etc to help us with our retreat. We left at around 130. Was sleepy on the way. Kwento dito, kwento doon. Met new members. We arrived, mga 3. We were given keys to our rooms. One person per room! Whoa! Was pretty freaky at first coz the room was small, had 2 beds, table, chair, sink, and the mirror and crucifix were facing each other and one wall was puro window. I was on the first floor so my view was the trunks of trees and shrubbery. We had mass first. The people who went on retreat before said that this would truly be an experience and we are only allowed to speak to our spiritual directors. So parang ako, talaga? Coz I was unable to go to the orientation so I knew nothing. I didn't know what to expect, what to do, etc. After mass, we had dinner and grand silence began. That night we were given the first set of prayer points. The flow of Ignatian prayer was to have grace first, scriptures, and sets of points to focus on. Then parang Bro. JR said that if we find something that would be able to help us, good but if it doesn't help then don't use it since it won't do any good. That night, I tried to pray, to focus on the scripture but my mind was in a whirlpool, so many thoughts rushing and turning in my mind so I just wrote in my journal. I wrote to the people close to me, etc. At 1030, lights off but I was able to sleep at 11.
Tuesday and Wednesday. Basically, almost the same. Woke up at around 6, had morning praise, breakfast, new set of prayer points and the whole day you're on your own. In the evenings, mass then dinner. For Tuesday, was the sharing of new members and for Wednesday was the sharing of old members. Thursday was the last day and the silence broke at around 1, during lunch.
So, basically. Yeah, the retreat was very relaxing, both physically and spiritually. You can sleep for many hours of the day, eat good food and the atmosphere was so peaceful. It was really like a break from the world. Fuga Mundi. Free from the world. It was as if time stopped. Time of reality and we were brought to this world where time is endless. But sadly no. The retreat ended and we have no choice but to go back to the real world, so to speak. Sabi nga nila. BSDU. Balik sa dating ugali. Pero pwede ring. Balik sa Diyos ulit. Alam kong hindi talaga maiiwasan yun. Tama, makakasama nga ang Diyos sa mga araw na iyon. Tulad ko, nakausap ko Siya, nakasama. Naramdaman ko ang pagmamahal Niya at natauhan ako dahil ni kalian man, hindi ko siya napasalamatan. Yeah. My life ain't perfect, but I found and realized that He has given me more than I asked. My family, my friends and school. Never once did I thanked Him. Never once did I realize that He was the one behind everything. Tulad nga ng sinabi ko kay Bro. Jeff, ang aking spiritual director, naoverwhelm ako nung naisip ko kung paano pinakita ng Diyos na mahal niya ako. Lubos lubos ang binigay niya at hindi ko napansin ito. I thought that my experience could be more or less the same with the rest coz throughout the days, I see people scribbling on their journals, reading their bibles and looking so peaceful, like me. But when our sharing started, yeah, some were like me who reestablished their relationship with God, but others simply couldn't find Him. The more they looked for him, the more they can't. Some even found themselves doubting God more. Basta, hindi lahat na-end ang retreat sa masayang paraan. Sabi nga ni Kuya JP, "bakit hindi na lang pwedeng happy ending?" Bakit hindi pwedeng manatili na lang sa sanktwaryo ng katahimikan? Doon kasi ay maaari nating maisantabi ang mga problemang ating hinaharap sa kasalukuyan.
Pero, totoo, hindi madaling sumunod sa yapak ng Panginoon. Kasi sa pagbabalik sa tunay na mundo, eto, ang realidad. Reality hit us when we went outside the gates of Loyola retreat house. Ngunit lubusan akong nalulungkot dahil matapos ang retreat, buhay ang sumalubong sa 'kin; o marahil mas angkop ang salitang "katotohanan". Mahirap harapin ang mga bagay na alam mong muling gugulo sa iyong mundo matapos ang katahimikan ng retreat. Maybe the promises I made to myself during the retreat would be shattered. There will be a time that I will forget what I have felt during the retreat. There will be a time when I will forget Him once more. But, no matter, he is always there, continuing to love us, love me despite forgetting him, despite hurting him. But, the retreat. It maybe an escape, but we can never really escape who we are, where we are and what we are doing. The hope is that we return stronger than before to face everything. Basta, I experienced a lot. It truly was something to be missed. I'm glad I did join and not change my mind at the last minute. Basta, ayun. Di ko rin naman masasabi na I'll be more "religious. " That I'll remember, but I guess that's what I'm challenging myself. Sabi nga ni Sir Christian that change doesn't happen overnight. Basta, isang matinding hamon ito.
But, there, basta. I can't explain really. The silence. I'm used to silence but this silence had a different effect. Sure I wasn't able to speak to anyone except Bro. Jeff. No physical contact, no eye contact. Was I bored? NEVER! It was so peaceful, so content. The only time I got bored was during the last day. We were waiting for the other confessors to finish, and I didn't pray nor tried to. I was so restless unlike the past days when doing nothing felt right. I guess that's really the feeling when God's talking and you're listening than a time when you block everything. Ewan. Insight lang. Haha! Ang haba diba? Anyway, I still kinda have a "hangover" from the silent retreat. I was talking to Tubby (hahahaha!!! Joke, pero ang cute kaya!) in the phone last night and I think his ear fell off coz I was talking non-stop. Even today, when I went out with Marco and Joey. Hay, there. Those past three days was like a crack in the veil of reality. Barely there. Ang bilis nga eh. Tapos na. Parang kararating lang naming tapos uwi na.
Okay, have to stop talking about that na. Reality. This is reality. Our house is being "renovated" so to speak. My room, the library, the stairway...sabay sabay lahat. Ang gulo ng bahay. Walang maayos na kuwarto. No privacy, no silence. That's why my break won't really be a break but work. Ang masama pa doon na kahit gusto ko man tumulong, di kaya ng katawan ko. I have allergies kasi, so kahit teensy bit of dust, I sneeze. Hello, they're changing the ceilings. Super daming dumi niyan kaya ngayon, walang tigil ang pagpunas ko ng sipon at pagblow ng ilong.
Ayun. Dapat nga pupunta ako sa debut ni Oasis. Pero, wala. Hindi sa ayaw ko. Gusto ko. At parang obligasyon din bilang miyembro ng barkada kasi ako lang ang makakapunta pero parang iniisip ko din eh. Basta ang labo. Kaya nga nagplaplano ako ngayon ng "something" para sa kanya. Kami lang barkada kasi alam kong nagtatampo siya. Siyempre parang kausap ko lang siya sa telepono kanina at ayun, hurt kasi kaunti lang ang pupunta. But we'll do something to make up for it, right guys? ^_^
Haha, wala lang, feel ko lang magsulat sa Filipino. ^_^
Anyway, daming realizations. Super. Haha! ^_^ I love you guys to bits! Mwah!
PS. Sorry about my grammar. I didn't really check, plus I know my Filipino isn't perfect so just ignore it ^_^
I really wasn't planning to go out today. Seriously. I mean, the retreat (explain more about that later) intended to be relaxing and all, but I really wanted to go home. I even thought of making some excuse not to go (hehe, sorry!), but in the end, I realized that why not go out this week and next week, commit all my time to my plans. Plus...there, there was also another reason why I went out. So I did go and I did have fun. Tubby! Haha! :p
Ack. Sorry, my thoughts are still scattered. Kasi, when I arrived home, everything was so messy, chaotic and I was bombarded with all the things to do, not to mention this current conflict with Oasis's debut. Hay. Wait, ieexplain ko rin yan.
Okay. The silent retreat. From Monday to Thursday (yesterday).
Monday. There I was, all packed and ready. 1130, expected time for assembly. I left the apartment at 1125. I arrived and there were only 2 people. Waited. More people. Didn't really knew anyone. New members. Saw Che. Went to McDo to buy food. When we arrived, everyone was there. We had to answer a survey like what were our current concerns, etc to help us with our retreat. We left at around 130. Was sleepy on the way. Kwento dito, kwento doon. Met new members. We arrived, mga 3. We were given keys to our rooms. One person per room! Whoa! Was pretty freaky at first coz the room was small, had 2 beds, table, chair, sink, and the mirror and crucifix were facing each other and one wall was puro window. I was on the first floor so my view was the trunks of trees and shrubbery. We had mass first. The people who went on retreat before said that this would truly be an experience and we are only allowed to speak to our spiritual directors. So parang ako, talaga? Coz I was unable to go to the orientation so I knew nothing. I didn't know what to expect, what to do, etc. After mass, we had dinner and grand silence began. That night we were given the first set of prayer points. The flow of Ignatian prayer was to have grace first, scriptures, and sets of points to focus on. Then parang Bro. JR said that if we find something that would be able to help us, good but if it doesn't help then don't use it since it won't do any good. That night, I tried to pray, to focus on the scripture but my mind was in a whirlpool, so many thoughts rushing and turning in my mind so I just wrote in my journal. I wrote to the people close to me, etc. At 1030, lights off but I was able to sleep at 11.
Tuesday and Wednesday. Basically, almost the same. Woke up at around 6, had morning praise, breakfast, new set of prayer points and the whole day you're on your own. In the evenings, mass then dinner. For Tuesday, was the sharing of new members and for Wednesday was the sharing of old members. Thursday was the last day and the silence broke at around 1, during lunch.
So, basically. Yeah, the retreat was very relaxing, both physically and spiritually. You can sleep for many hours of the day, eat good food and the atmosphere was so peaceful. It was really like a break from the world. Fuga Mundi. Free from the world. It was as if time stopped. Time of reality and we were brought to this world where time is endless. But sadly no. The retreat ended and we have no choice but to go back to the real world, so to speak. Sabi nga nila. BSDU. Balik sa dating ugali. Pero pwede ring. Balik sa Diyos ulit. Alam kong hindi talaga maiiwasan yun. Tama, makakasama nga ang Diyos sa mga araw na iyon. Tulad ko, nakausap ko Siya, nakasama. Naramdaman ko ang pagmamahal Niya at natauhan ako dahil ni kalian man, hindi ko siya napasalamatan. Yeah. My life ain't perfect, but I found and realized that He has given me more than I asked. My family, my friends and school. Never once did I thanked Him. Never once did I realize that He was the one behind everything. Tulad nga ng sinabi ko kay Bro. Jeff, ang aking spiritual director, naoverwhelm ako nung naisip ko kung paano pinakita ng Diyos na mahal niya ako. Lubos lubos ang binigay niya at hindi ko napansin ito. I thought that my experience could be more or less the same with the rest coz throughout the days, I see people scribbling on their journals, reading their bibles and looking so peaceful, like me. But when our sharing started, yeah, some were like me who reestablished their relationship with God, but others simply couldn't find Him. The more they looked for him, the more they can't. Some even found themselves doubting God more. Basta, hindi lahat na-end ang retreat sa masayang paraan. Sabi nga ni Kuya JP, "bakit hindi na lang pwedeng happy ending?" Bakit hindi pwedeng manatili na lang sa sanktwaryo ng katahimikan? Doon kasi ay maaari nating maisantabi ang mga problemang ating hinaharap sa kasalukuyan.
Pero, totoo, hindi madaling sumunod sa yapak ng Panginoon. Kasi sa pagbabalik sa tunay na mundo, eto, ang realidad. Reality hit us when we went outside the gates of Loyola retreat house. Ngunit lubusan akong nalulungkot dahil matapos ang retreat, buhay ang sumalubong sa 'kin; o marahil mas angkop ang salitang "katotohanan". Mahirap harapin ang mga bagay na alam mong muling gugulo sa iyong mundo matapos ang katahimikan ng retreat. Maybe the promises I made to myself during the retreat would be shattered. There will be a time that I will forget what I have felt during the retreat. There will be a time when I will forget Him once more. But, no matter, he is always there, continuing to love us, love me despite forgetting him, despite hurting him. But, the retreat. It maybe an escape, but we can never really escape who we are, where we are and what we are doing. The hope is that we return stronger than before to face everything. Basta, I experienced a lot. It truly was something to be missed. I'm glad I did join and not change my mind at the last minute. Basta, ayun. Di ko rin naman masasabi na I'll be more "religious. " That I'll remember, but I guess that's what I'm challenging myself. Sabi nga ni Sir Christian that change doesn't happen overnight. Basta, isang matinding hamon ito.
But, there, basta. I can't explain really. The silence. I'm used to silence but this silence had a different effect. Sure I wasn't able to speak to anyone except Bro. Jeff. No physical contact, no eye contact. Was I bored? NEVER! It was so peaceful, so content. The only time I got bored was during the last day. We were waiting for the other confessors to finish, and I didn't pray nor tried to. I was so restless unlike the past days when doing nothing felt right. I guess that's really the feeling when God's talking and you're listening than a time when you block everything. Ewan. Insight lang. Haha! Ang haba diba? Anyway, I still kinda have a "hangover" from the silent retreat. I was talking to Tubby (hahahaha!!! Joke, pero ang cute kaya!) in the phone last night and I think his ear fell off coz I was talking non-stop. Even today, when I went out with Marco and Joey. Hay, there. Those past three days was like a crack in the veil of reality. Barely there. Ang bilis nga eh. Tapos na. Parang kararating lang naming tapos uwi na.
Okay, have to stop talking about that na. Reality. This is reality. Our house is being "renovated" so to speak. My room, the library, the stairway...sabay sabay lahat. Ang gulo ng bahay. Walang maayos na kuwarto. No privacy, no silence. That's why my break won't really be a break but work. Ang masama pa doon na kahit gusto ko man tumulong, di kaya ng katawan ko. I have allergies kasi, so kahit teensy bit of dust, I sneeze. Hello, they're changing the ceilings. Super daming dumi niyan kaya ngayon, walang tigil ang pagpunas ko ng sipon at pagblow ng ilong.
Ayun. Dapat nga pupunta ako sa debut ni Oasis. Pero, wala. Hindi sa ayaw ko. Gusto ko. At parang obligasyon din bilang miyembro ng barkada kasi ako lang ang makakapunta pero parang iniisip ko din eh. Basta ang labo. Kaya nga nagplaplano ako ngayon ng "something" para sa kanya. Kami lang barkada kasi alam kong nagtatampo siya. Siyempre parang kausap ko lang siya sa telepono kanina at ayun, hurt kasi kaunti lang ang pupunta. But we'll do something to make up for it, right guys? ^_^
Haha, wala lang, feel ko lang magsulat sa Filipino. ^_^
Anyway, daming realizations. Super. Haha! ^_^ I love you guys to bits! Mwah!
PS. Sorry about my grammar. I didn't really check, plus I know my Filipino isn't perfect so just ignore it ^_^
posted by Chill at
9:54 PM
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